


The Way it Stops and Starts

by Bal3xicon



Series: Across the Universe [2]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Abby x Raven, Angst, Anya/Raven Reyes Friendship, Clexa Relationship - Minor, Doctor/Mechanic (The 100), F/F, Hurt/Comfort, I am terrible at filling prompts with a quick and dirty one shot, Spoiler Alert: I'm all about happy endings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-15
Updated: 2017-07-16
Packaged: 2018-06-08 13:49:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 38,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6857533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bal3xicon/pseuds/Bal3xicon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Abby and Raven were together for five years before Abby ended the relationship, racked by fears and superstitions. Three years of regret and another failed relationship see Abby making the decision to move back to Boston - where Lexa, Clarke, and Aden also reside - in the hopes of stopping Raven from marrying someone else, and hopefully winning back the love of her life.</p>
<p>Tumblr Prompt: “I love you. I’m completely and utterly in love with you. Please don’t get married.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Stark Simplicity of the Sky

Closing the door to her room behind her, Abby slipped the key card into her pocket and walked the short distance to the elevator. An elderly couple stepped out as the doors opened, and Abby smiled at the two of them as she took their place inside. She rode down to the ground floor and checked her makeup again, the mirrored walls reflecting images of her in all directions as she wiped a smudge of lipstick from her teeth. Pushing at the heavy door at the entrance to the hotel, she stepped out into the fading afternoon light, but still rummaged in her bag for her sunglasses before setting off down the street.

Clarke's apartment was three blocks from the hotel Abby had checked into for the week, and while they were going to share a cab into the city for dinner later, Abby decided to walk to meet them. She was appreciating the longer days and increasingly warm evening air; walks after work having become a regular thing in recent weeks. Anything to fill the vast amount of time she now had to herself. It was the only way she knew to clear her head and, although she didn't have her headphones with her, she allowed the distant tones of the city to be her soundtrack.  
  
Rounding a corner, Abby walked up the cement stairs to Clarke and Lexa's building and was able to sneak through the door to the foyer without needing to be buzzed up, a young family she recognized making their way out. Abby opted for the stairs, one flight taking her to the apartment which overlooked a shared yard which sealed the deal for the two when they moved four years ago.  
  
Wrapping her knuckles against the door, Abby stood back and waited for the inevitable sounds of Aden running to open it for her. In no time she could hear him barreling down the hallway, heavy footfalls nearing closer before he flung the door open.  
  
"Nanna Ab!" Aden threw his arms in the air and waited for Abby to scoop him up, his arms circling her neck as she planted a kiss on his cheek.  
  
"Look at you! You've gotten so big, I can barely pick you up."

Lexa appeared in the hallway and smiled as Abby winked, lowering Aden back to the ground.  
  
“Hello beautiful girl.” Abby threw her arms around Lexa, drawing her into a hug. "Clarke home yet?" Abby placed her purse on the side table in the hallway and followed Aden and Lexa through to the living room.  
  
"Shortly, but it’s great that you're early, _someone_ has been rather keen to see you." Lexa grinned at her son as he ordered a stack of drawings he'd done for Abby, deciding which one to give her first.  
  
Dumping the whole pile on her lap as she took a seat on the sofa next to Lexa, Aden chewed his lip as he waited for her to look at them.  
  
"I did them all for you." He leaned in and whispered the words, his breath hot against Abby's ear. "And I got some new pencils." With that he took off up to his room and Abby and Lexa could hear him rummaging around, both wincing at the sound of something falling down.  
  
"I'm fine, nothing broke!" He called to them at the top of his voice, and Abby and Lexa shared a laugh. A similar noise caught their attention at the other end of the house shortly before Clarke emerged juggling several large folders, the contents of one having partially spilled out.  
  
Abby jumped up to relieve Clarke of the load before embracing her, kissing her daughter's forehead as she released her. Clarke removed her satchel from over her shoulder and threw it into the arm chair before planting a kiss on Abby’s cheek and wandering over to lean down and kiss her wife. Abby felt her heart clench.

“I’ve really missed you guys this time.” Abby sat down on the sofa opposite the women, Clarke resting her head in Lexa’s lap and toeing off her shoes as she drew her legs up onto the sofa. Lexa stroked her wife’s hair as she grinned at Abby.

“Just this time?" Lexa laughed. "You need to move back here so we can have you guys over for dinners during the week and we can meet you and Ontari at the park on weekends.” Lexa’s smile faded as she noticed Abby’s jaw clench at the mention of her partner. “Abby?”

“Mom?” Clarke was sitting up now, elbows on her knees as she leaned forward to talk to her mother. “You were shifty on the phone when I asked if Ontari was coming with you. What’s going on? Have the two of you had a fight or something?” Clarke had never warmed to Ontari in the two years since her mother began to date the women. Lexa wasn’t a fan either but, unlike Clarke, she kept her opinions to herself out of respect for Abby.

Abby knew she was going to have to have this conversation with them at some point during the week, she just hadn’t prepared herself to do it straight away. Lexa’s mention of the name caught her off guard. She allowed her eyes to wander around the room as she considered how to form the words she needed to admit aloud. Her eyes fell on a jigsaw puzzle on the end of the dining table, the box sitting up on its edge as a guide as half the pieces were scattered around an incomplete image. Clarke had always had a thing for puzzles, for being able to complete something and have the pieces reflect the picture before her. She liked to fix things, to be able to solve a problem without leaving behind raw edges which would need to be sewn in later. She was similar to Raven in that way. 

The sky on the box could have been a mirror image of the one outside Clarke and Lexa's window in that moment. Abby felt a sadness she couldn't explain when she realised in minutes the two would be different. “I wouldn’t call it a fight, exactly.” Abby's voice spoke of exhaustion. She had wrestled with herself for too long. The words sounded nonsensical in her mind now. She had played them, and played them, and played them until they became distorted, like a child's toy as it runs out of batteries. The feelings which they accompanied were familiar like the way you remember other falls when you stumble and land heavily on concrete, all the pain from all past cuts and scrapes so vivid.

Abby hadn’t even talked to Callie about it, saying only that she had broken up with Ontari and couldn’t see them reconciling at all.

“I have been thinking about moving back, though, but Ontari won’t be joining me if I decide to. She moved out almost two months ago.” 

“Two months? Mom, how could you keep something so huge from us? What happened?” Clarke was alert now, the fatigue which had been evident on her face when she walked in had all but disappeared.

“It’s not really our business, Clarke.” Lexa leaned forward, mimicking Clarke’s position, and dropped her head to the side, whispering to her wife. Abby heard her just the same.

“It’s okay, Lexa. I should have said something earlier, but I didn’t really know what to say to be honest. I was embarrassed, I suppose. I still am. So many people had opinions when Ontari and I first began dating and I’d been so quick to refute them that when I saw things had run their course for us, I was reluctant to share that with people.” Abby shrugged. She was very conscious of people’s skepticism when it came to her relationships with younger women. Raven had been only five years older than Clarke and although Ontari had another four years to her name, she was still twelve years Abby’s junior.

“So she moved out. Did she break up with you, M-“

“Clarke!” Aden interrupted her, racing down the hallway having just realized she was home. Taking a running leap he landed on Clarke’s lap causing her to emit a groan before wrapping her arms around him.

“Hello beautiful boy, Mama told me you got some new drawing pencils today. Are they as cool as mine?” Clarke and Aden both grew very serious, decent pencils essential for both Clarke’s design work and Aden’s Kindergarten masterpieces.

“They’re amaaazing. They’re watercolor just like yours. But, oh!” Aden smacked himself in the head, rolling his eyes comically. “I was going to get them to show Nanna Abby.” Jumping off Clarke’s lap, he sprinted up the hallway again.

Abby watched him disappear before taking a deep breath and thinking of the best way to answer Clarke’s question.

“I was the one who ended the relationship. I haven’t been happy for a long time and it wasn’t fair to continue when I kept finding myself-“ Abby hesitated, aware that she was about to voice her reasoning for the very first time, “-I kept finding myself comparing her to Raven.” Abby threw her hands in the air at the words, just as Aden came running back into the room carrying his new box of pencils.

“Aunt Raven’s getting married to Aunt Gina next week, Nanna Ab. These are my new pencils, aren’t they awesome.” Aden thrust them onto Abby’s lap and crawled up onto the sofa beside her. Opening the tin, he didn't appear to have noticed the sudden change in his grandmother’s demeanor.

Lexa was the first to respond.

“He means next _month_ , Abby." She rushed. "They’ve moved up the wedding because Gina’s been offered a new job in Chicago and they’re leaving in about six weeks.” Lexa cringed, her words sounding like a confession and an apology all rolled into one.

“But they only just announced their engagement.” There was no strength to Abby's voice. She fingered the new pencils in the tin on her lap, staring at a spot between Lexa and Clarke. Aden reached out and grabbed her hand, forcing her to shift her focus to show her his favorite shade of red. Abby forced a smile and reached out to wrap an arm around Aden's shoulders, drawing him to her. 

“They’ve been engaged about five months, Mom, but their engagement party was only about two and a half months ago…” The words faded on Clarke’s tongue as the realization hit her. “That was it, wasn’t it? You saw her that weekend you sat for us while we went to their party?”

Abby pressed her lips together in an effort to avert her concentration from the heat she felt rising in her cheeks. Nodding her head at Clarke, she passed the red pencil back to Aden, running her fingers through his hair as she shifted the box of pencils to the coffee table between herself and Clarke. Standing, Abby smoothed her hands down the front of her jeans.

“Sorry, I just need a minute.” Abby performed another smile for her grandson before excusing herself from the room. Walking to the kitchen, she reached for a glass in the cupboard above the sink. As she ran the water, she swiped a finger through it to make sure it was running cold before she filled her glass. Taking a sip, she heard Lexa ask Clarke to grab Aden’s shoes and shirt to get him ready to go out. A moment later, Lexa appeared at the entrance to the kitchen.

“Abby?” Lexa waited until Abby turned before walking over to the counter to lean next to her. “I’m sorry things are so hard right now. I also know our situations are far from similar, but when Costia died, I didn’t think I would ever find someone who I could love the way I loved her. I only dated one other person before I started seeing Clarke, but with both of them I found myself comparing, too.” Lexa’s voice was low, likely out of respect for Clarke, but also out of respect for her mother-in-law who stood fragile before her.

“It wasn’t long before I realized that I was falling in love with all the ways in which Clarke was different from Costia, the things which were uniquely her soon became more of a comfort to me than any of the traits I felt they’d shared initially.” Lexa reached a hand to Abby’s shoulder rubbing it up and down in gentle strokes as she waited for Abby to speak.

“You and Clarke are so lucky to have found each other.” There were tears in Abby’s eyes as she spoke. “I would give anything for you and Aden to have not had to go through all that you did, but the thing about death is we have no choice but to move on. You were so brave to put yourself out there, especially with Aden being so young. That took a lot of courage.” Abby felt the tears tracking down her cheeks now and Lexa felt her own eyes beginning to sting as she moved to wrap her arms around Abby’s shoulders.

“You did the same after Jake, Abby. Just because Clarke was a lot older than Aden, that doesn’t make you any less brave.” Lexa rubbed her hand against Abby’s back as they pulled away. Abby nodded. She and Lexa had had many conversations over the years about the parallels in the ways they’d lost Costia and Jake, car accidents leaving no opportunity for I love yous or final goodbyes.

“I think there’s one big difference between you and me, though.” Abby took another sip of her drink and placed it in the sink. Turning her body, she rested both hands on the edge of the counter. She looked out the window as the last light of day was replaced by streetlights dotting their way along each road like the strip lighting  of the floors of airplanes to guide people to their nearest exit. Her visit had been a mistake. By the time Abby sorted out her apartment and she and Ontario had settled their finances, officially parting ways, Raven would married to someone else.

“The difference is that you let yourself love again. You let Clarke become the second love of your life and you didn’t deny her that title just because someone had held it before her. When Raven proposed, I ran. I was scared that marriage represented everything I’d lost and I didn’t want that for either of us. I broke her heart, Lexa, and mine broke right along with it.” Abby swiped at the tears which were staining her cheeks. She’d lost count of the times she had cried over Raven, over her own choices which meant losing the love of her life.

She looked up and saw Clarke’s reflection in the kitchen window, the black backdrop of the evening providing her with a near mirror image of her daughter. Abby turned in time to meet Clarke’s embrace. It had taken Clarke almost three years to accept her mother’s relationship with Raven. When Clarke met Lexa, a twenty four year old woman with a twelve month old child, Clarke was able to re-frame her misconceptions about Raven’s age. At twenty one, Clarke was taking on another woman’s child and, before long, treating him as her own, and suddenly age meant nothing and experiences were everything. She realized that while Raven was only five years older than her, Raven had had adult responsibilities for almost half her life. Raven took care of herself for years when Clarke had been lucky enough to have two parents to do that for her. In many ways, Clarke realized she was virtually a child until she met Lexa and Aden.

When Abby broke up with Raven, Lexa and Clarke had been left devastated too. Having met through Anya, Lexa’s cousin and Raven’s best friend, their family of six dwindled to a family of four when Abby moved away and Raven put the necessary distance between them.

“Aden’s in the bathroom brushing his teeth, but why don’t we just order in tonight, babe?” She turned to look at Lexa, her wife nodding before Clarke turned back to Abby. “Mom, why don’t you stay? He can sleep in with us and you can take his bed. I don’t want you going back to that hotel alone tonight.” Clarke smoothed her hands over her mother’s braid, her hands resting against the woman’s shoulders as she waited for a response.

“Will Aden be disappointed we’re not going out?” Abby breathed deeply, the tears which had dried on her cheeks were still present in her voice and she didn’t need her grandson to notice her sadness. She cleared her throat.

“Not if we order pizza from Larry’s.” Lexa leaned against the kitchen counter and, smiling, slung an arm across Abby’s shoulders. “Tell you what, you two walk back to that hotel and put a few things in a bag, and by the time you get back dinner should almost be here, okay?”

Clarke and Abby nodded in unison. As they made their way out to the hall, Aden high-fived Lexa at the news of pizza and gave Abby a grin which was all teeth and Clarke in every way. Grabbing her purse she waved to her grandson and blew a kiss to Lexa who was already on the phone ordering dinner. Lexa blew a kiss back and waved them off as Abby closed the door behind them.

“I hope you don’t mind, but I heard some of your conversation with Lexa, Mom. She’s right, you know. She’s always right, but she said you were brave and it’s true. If anyone knows brave, it’s that woman, Mom.” Clarke reached for her mother’s hand and gave it a squeeze.

“But I messed up, honey. Twice.” Abby wrapped an arm around Clarke’s middle and the two fell into step as Clarke put her arm around her mother’s shoulders.

“You did the right thing by Ontari, though. It wouldn’t have been fair to stay once you acknowledged you weren’t happy. That takes courage.” Abby couldn’t acknowledge Clarke’s words for the lump in her throat. She couldn’t think of a line which would be adequate in response, but which would also allow her to keep her tears at bay.

They arrived at Abby’s hotel and took the elevator to the twelfth floor, Abby swiping her key card three times before the green light appeared letting them in. Crossing the room, she grabbed the small suitcase off the bed, Clarke’s eyes on her as she walked to the bathroom to grab her makeup bag and glasses case and slip them both inside. Clarke wandered to the window to inspect the view and Abby wheeled her case to the door before walking over to join her.

Abby took in the panorama of the Boston skyline in the distance. The lights of the buildings bled into the Charles, and her heart ached at the memory of Raven's proposal, of having the very same view as they lay in the park by their apartment, the sky above them vast as the promises Raven whispered. Each one had weighed more heavily than the last inside her that night, and as Abby recalled the woman's face, the hope before Abby stole it all away, the tightening in the back of her throat turned into a sob. 

“I know I did the right thing leaving Ontari.” She nodded her head as Clarke's arm found her waist and pulled them close together. Running a hand over her braid, Abby considered her next words carefully. She pressed the heel of her hand to her forehead, she then brought it down and pressed her fist against her mouth before her next words arrived on a new flood of tears.

“I only wish that three years ago I’d been brave enough to stay.” She choked on the words, her tongue feeling thick in her throat, and she let Clarke take her weight as she sunk into her daughters arms letting go of two months of anxiety, and three years of regret.


	2. The Roses in the Rain

Abby spent two nights in Aden’s bed, his navy sheets printed with white constellations and his bedroom ceiling covered in glow-in-the-dark-stars, which somehow made her miss Raven even more. Two mornings in a row she awoke to a small hand stroking her forehead before he climbed into bed with her and started fifty sentences with “Nanna Ab, did you know…?”

When Clarke was a child, Jake would kneel at her bedside in the mornings to wake her for school, stroking her forehead so his ‘big voice’ didn’t scare her. She told Aden she had something in her eye when he spotted her tears; Jake a part of him even though the two had never met. Loss and love and gratitude and regret hit Abby in waves. Pictures of family lined the mantle, their blend beautiful and painful as Abby’s eyes roamed the identical wooden frames.

Costia, pregnant, Lexa’s reflection in the mirror as she took the picture.

Lexa and Costia with Aden.

Clarke and Lexa with Aden.

Clarke with both Jake and herself when she was nine.

Anya, Lexa, Clarke, Aden, and Raven at Christmas four years ago, Abby seated on Raven’s lap, red tinsel slung around her neck like a scarf.

Abby knew she hadn’t smiled like that in a long time. Raven’s eyes shone at her through the photograph, reaching for her heart and creating a pull which see-sawed between comfort and despair.

Lexa watched Abby over those two days like she was afraid Abby might break. Clarke walked around the house with a scowl on her face as though Abby’s predicament was a problem she needed to solve, even though they all knew there wasn’t an easy answer. And Aden, the beautiful boy who was an amalgam of all the people on that mantle, spent two days talking to Abby about watercolour pencils and how Clarke had taught him to blend. Abby slipped six pages of rainbows into the front pocket of her suitcase the following morning. Each one had wrinkled the paper as it dried. Each one had edges more precise than the last.

“I know we don’t have much spare room, Abby, but you’re welcome to cancel your reservation and see if you can get some money back. We’d love to have you for the rest of the week.” Lexa wiped her hands on a dish cloth and threw it over her shoulder as she bent down to retie Aden’s shoe.

Abby couldn’t explain that, as much as she loved the three of them, being around them in her current state almost made it harder. She could never admit that cotton sheets and wooden rocket ships made her heart ache, or that she missed Ontari even though she knew she’d made the right decision. Ontari’s face would never find its way onto their mantle.

“Thank you, but I’ll be okay. I still want to spend a lot more time with you all before I have to head back, but I also probably need my own space, you know?” Abby reached out a hand to pull Lexa up from her position on the floor and drew the woman into a hug before turning to Aden.

“You have a wonderful day at school, mister.” Abby pressed her lips to the top of Aden’s head as he clung to her leg.

“Tell Clarke to call me when she gets home from work, and if everyone is feeling up to it we can do dinner.” Abby grabbed the handle of her suitcase and made her way to the door, hand in hand with Aden. The three left the building together, Abby giving her grandson another kiss as he and Lexa headed off toward school in the opposite direction to her hotel, his bright red back pack almost as big as he was.

 

* * *

 

Abby had taken the week off work without a plan. As she walked back to her hotel to dump her bag, the image of Raven in the picture on the mantle was the only thought in her head. Abby wanted Christmas with Raven again. She wanted laptop movie dates in bed and Saturday morning walks. She wanted the niggling arguments about the best way to hang the washing. She wanted those sharp prods in the rib whenever she put her cold feet against Raven’s legs in bed. She wanted it all back.

Unlocking her door on the first try, Abby walked into the room and let the door swing shut behind her. She wheeled her suitcase over to the end of the bed and flopped down against the covers she still hadn’t slept in. Her rumbling stomach reminded her she hadn’t eaten the breakfast Lexa had made for her, Aden scraping her eggs onto his plate with a wide grin when she said she wasn’t hungry.

At work, Abby make split second decisions every day, acting on something while the next step was on her mind. Outside of work, Abby chewed them into the inside of her lip mulling over pros and cons and feeling sick to her stomach more often than not. Seeing Raven was probably a terrible idea, but their last encounter was playing on a loop in her mind and Abby felt stuck.

Reaching into the pocket of her jeans to retrieve her phone, Abby rolled it over and over in her hand as she lay on the bed. Shifting onto her side, she opened up her messages and scrolled past the names of Ontari, Clarke, Callie, Lexa, and several colleagues before coming to Raven's name.  
  
The last messages they exchanged were more than two months old, Abby's words typed through a blur of tears. She hadn't expected to see Raven, only flying in for the weekend to spend time with her family and watch Aden while Lexa and Clarke went to the engagement party. While it felt odd to acknowledge the reason for her visit was that her ex-girlfriend was clearly moving on, Abby was also happy for Raven.

Ontari had taken Abby away for her birthday the weekend before, and everything about the food and the setting and the time of year had helped her forget the lingering doubts which plagued her whenever she gave herself too much time to think.  
  
_Stopping by the grocery store on her way to Lexa and Clarke's, Abby walked the aisles without any particular purpose, searching only for snacks she could share with Aden during their movie night sleepover. She walked past Raven completely before she noticed a woman next to her turn and stare._  
  
_"Abby?" Raven tried to piece her ex into the puzzle of her new life, looking around in disbelief as if Abby was a figment of her imagination or simply didn't belong._  
  
_Abby smiled, giggling despite herself she stepped towards Raven as if to hug her before thinking better of it. Letting the grocery basket hang at her side, Abby’s eyes widened as she remembered what the day represented, and recalled all the other things being buried deeper by its occurrence._  
  
_"Raven. I wasn't expecting to see you." This was an understatement, if she'd thought about it she may have dressed in something a little nicer than a plain t-shirt and an old pair of jeans. Abby blushed at the thought. She had a girlfriend. Thoughts of dressing for her ex crossed more lines than she could count and she looked at Raven, speechless, pleading with her to say something to fill the silence._  
  
_"It's been a long time, Abby." Raven nodded her head as though agreeing the silence was unlike them, agreeing that the feeling of being short on words with each other was entirely unfamiliar. "It'd be nice to catch up properly sometime, I really can't stick around right now, I have to get home to get ready-"_  
  
_Raven stopped, teeth sinking into her lower lip to prevent the rest of her sentence from filling the space. Abby saw a thousand thoughts cycling through Raven's mind and, somehow, guilt weighed in the pit of her stomach._  
  
_"It's okay, I know about the party, Raven. I'm looking after Aden so Lexa and Clarke can enjoy the night and not have to worry about being woken from their hangover by... Commander Aden, leader of the Tree Crew?” Abby smiled, brow furrowing as she tried to remember the details of the make-believe world Aden had created._

_“I think he’s Commander Aden, leader of the Woods Clan who are also the tree people?” Raven shrugged, scrunching up her nose as she tried to piece together her own understanding of his elaborate stories. “I just remember there being a bunch of different clans, but he was the boss of all of them even though they all had their own boss.” Raven shrugged again, sighing._

_“He sure will be the boss of everyone someday. That boy can wrap people around his finger in seconds.” Abby stopped short of adding that this trait reminded her a lot of Raven, the way she could charm anyone with the quirk of an eyebrow if there was something in particular she needed. Their talk of Aden was neutral, enough of a step away from personal that it could be done casually, but their familiarity with each other in that moment set Abby’s mind spinning._

_"Sorry, you have things to do.” Abby pressed her lips together, not wanting their interaction to end, but knowing she had no choice. “Look, I'm so happy for you and Gina. You two have the most wonderful time tonight, okay." Abby meant every word, but it didn't stop the way each of them hurt like a Band-Aid being pulled away from her skin too slowly._  
  
_She wasn't prepared for Raven’s response to come in the form of an embrace. It almost caused her to drop the grocery basket altogether. Raven's arms around her neck, always her neck, pulled her in and Abby’s free arm went automatically to Raven's waist. Abby was conscious of keeping the touch light, and as several thoughts merged in her mind, Raven let go, standing before her as awkwardly as she had when they’d first spoken._

_“Look after yourself, Abby. It was nice to see you.” Raven smiled as she walked off, and Abby stood staring at rows upon rows of brightly colored cookie boxes trying to ignore the way her heart was pounding in her chest._

Abby’s heart beat the same disjointed rhythm as she lay on the bed in her hotel room, reading over the message she’d sent Raven two days later. Her eyes stung as she remembered typing out the words while packing her bag to go back home to Ontari, and wishing she didn’t have a reason to leave.

Before she could fall into a cycle of overthinking yet again, Abby went to her phone contacts and scrolled to the first listing under R. Pressing Raven’s name and number in quick succession, she leapt from the bed and paced the room to the sound of the dial tone.

“Hi. Abby?” And just like that, her name hung from Raven’s voice again like a question, like it wasn’t supposed to be a part of her day. Abby closed her eyes, squeezing them shut and could hear Clarke’s warning in her mind not to rush into any decisions.

“Yes, it’s me.” Abby pulled the phone away from her ear as she took a deep breath. “How are you, Raven?” She sat back down on the edge of the bed, elbows digging into her thighs as she waited for the woman to speak.

“I’m great, Abby. What’s happening?” Abby knew Raven would most likely be at work, but she couldn’t help but feel dejected at the distraction in her ex’s tone.

It took every ounce of willpower for Abby to maintain her own, light and casual. Sitting up straight, she pushed her shoulders back and forced a smile, hoping Raven would be able to hear it.

“I’m in town for a few days and I was thinking back to when we bumped into each other a couple of months ago.” Abby stood up and began pacing again, teeth pressed together before she continued. “I was wondering if you were free for a quick catch up over coffee sometime?” She scrunched up her face like someone anticipating a punch, and waited for Raven to respond.

“Yeah, sure. Um, this week is about to get a little insane for me. Is there any chance we could do lunch or something today? Other than that I’ve got Saturday free. When do you leave?” Raven sounded as if she were now giving Abby her full attention and Abby felt as though she’d just hauled the groceries to her front porch in one trip and was finally able to put them down.

“I leave late on Saturday, but today would be great. Does that café down the street from work still do those amazing burgers?” It had been a good while since Abby thought about those burgers, but the two would often meet there if their breaks aligned despite their different schedules.

“Sure does. How’s 1pm for you? I have a meeting at 12 which shouldn’t go long, I could message you if I’m running early?” Abby smiled at Raven’s offer.

“Okay, sounds good. Don’t rush though, I have all the time in the world.” Abby relaxed against the desk which stood against the wall opposite the bed, free hand tapping out a rhythm against her thigh.

“I’m jealous.” Abby could hear Raven’s smirk through her words and she closed her eyes at the way it made her heart beat faster. “Okay, looking forward to it. I’ll see you later, Abby.”

“See you soon.” Abby ended the call and wandered back over to lift her suitcase onto the bed. Unzipping it, she pulled out her clothes and spread them across the mattress considering what she should wear.

She'd packed three pairs of jeans and a number of tank tops, tees and shirts, and while half the lunches she’d shared with Raven at the café in the past had seen her in scrubs or sweats, she couldn’t decide between wanting to dress appropriately and wanting Raven to really notice her. Trying on several combinations, Abby decided on grey skinny jeans, and a fitted red and blue checked shirt over a black tank which was cut just low enough.

Abby busied herself for the next couple of hours, returning a call to the estate agent who was dealing with the sale of their house, and scheduling interviews for a replacement for her position at work. Abby already knew Ashish Jackson was the most likely candidate, having worked closely with the young surgeon for the past three years she was well aware of his expertise.

At a guess, the walk down Massachusetts Ave would take her about 45 minutes, and Abby figured if she took her time it would be the best way to kill the hour she had left to wait for Raven. Slinging her bag over her shoulder, she slipped her phone into the back pocket of her jeans and headed out of her hotel. The sun glinted off the windows of the buildings around her and although it was warm, it wasn’t hot enough to make the walk uncomfortable.

She had barely walked two blocks before her phone buzzed in her pocket with a message from Raven saying the meeting had been cancelled altogether and she was going to have a drink at the café while she waited for Abby.

Looking around, Abby spotted a cab and stepped off the curb to draw the attention of the driver. The midday traffic was a little heavier than usual, the driver rolling his eyes and tapping impatiently on the steering wheel as if it were peak hour and his shift was due to end. Paying him, Abby stepped out onto the side walk and took a deep breath, trying to calm the churning in the pit of her stomach at the thought of time with Raven.

When she walked into the café, she glanced around the space noting it had changed somewhat since her last visit. Looking at each table in turn, Abby squinted against the sunlight which streamed through the windows trying to spot Raven.  
She turned to the left when the familiar voice called her name, and saw a hand waving to her from a table in the far corner.  
  
Raven looked stunning. Abby wasn’t at all surprised, but she had almost forgotten how the woman dressed on formal work days, meetings and presentations had always seen suits hanging on the back of their bathroom door before they would head to bed at night.

In that moment, she decided lunch had been a terrible idea. It was made worse only by the beaming face of Gina beside Raven. Abby concentrated on placing one foot in front of the other, willing her legs to cooperate when she felt rooted to the spot. Pasting on a smile which she hoped Raven had long since managed to see through, she approached their table and only hesitated slightly when Gina rose to hug her.  
  
"Abby, it's so great to see you. It's been so long." It had been so very long. The last time Abby had seen Gina was at Raven's birthday dinner three months before they had broken up.  
"Gina, you haven't changed a bit. You look wonderful." She did. Abby hated admitting it.  
The bashful smile she remembered spread across Gina's face, and the woman looked over at Raven who was working her way along the seat of the booth to stand. The two exchanged a smile which saw Abby digging her nails into her palm. What had she been thinking?

“It was nice to hear from you, Abby.” Raven’s arms wrapped around her neck and drew her into a hug. Abby kept one hand at her side, resting against her bag as she allowed her other arm to curl around Raven, the contact brief and as close to appropriate as she could manage. As they pulled away, Raven shuffled back along the seat and gestured for Abby to sit opposite her.

“I told G we bumped into each other a couple of months back, it’s a shame you weren’t around longer that weekend, but this is good.” Raven’s sincerity made Abby’s heart swell, but her words filled Abby with a new wave of guilt. She hadn’t told Ontari. She hadn’t told anyone. She’d treated her brief encounter with Raven like a dirty secret and was certain she’d blushed the next day when Clarke informed her Raven had mentioned it at the party.

“Yeah, well I’ve taken a few days off and I spent the weekend with Clarke, Lexa and Aden, but they’re at work and school so I need to find some other things to occupy myself.” Abby spoke glancing between the two women, but not making eye contact with either one.

Gina’s right arm was outstretched and it was clear to Abby her hand was resting on Raven’s thigh. She knew she had no right to be jealous, but Abby felt her chest fill with frustration as though Gina was the one who had no right to be near Raven. Abby was well aware she gave up any rights long ago.

“Well, it was nice to see you, Abby, but sadly the meetings _I_ have lined up for today haven’t been cancelled.” Gina rolled her eyes at Raven in mock frustration. “I’ll leave you to it, ladies.” Placing a hand to Raven’s cheek, Gina leaned in and placed a kiss to Raven’s lips, the two smiling at each other before Gina made to leave. “Bye, babe.”

Raven and Abby both waved at Gina as she left and, without missing a beat, Raven turned back to talk to Abby.

“So, time off. Are they forcing you to take some leave? I used to have to beg you to put in for days.” Raven joked, speaking so casually it stung. Abby reached for the bottle of water at the end of the table and turned over a glass, filling it and taking a sip before responding.

“I’ve taken a bit of time recently. It won’t transfer when I leave so I’ve been taking a few days here and there.” Abby reached for a menu and opened it out in front of her before taking another sip of water.

“You’re leaving? Wow, have you been offered something else?” Raven’s eyes were alight with excitement and every expression which was so familiar left Abby feeling more hopeless about her decision.

A woman came to take their orders and the two of them both requested the very same burgers they had always ordered. They shared a smile at the continuation of their tradition and Abby fiddled with her napkin, purposely drawing her gaze away from Raven’s. 

“I’ve, uh, decided to move back. Thelonius didn’t ever advertise my position and now you're expanding, so I can essentially walk back in and pick up where I left off.” Abby blushed at her word choice and Raven noticed, her smile fading at seeing Abby’s discomfort.

While they waited for their meals their talk drifted to the neutral topic of Aden again. Abby knew Raven caught up with Clarke and Lexa regularly now that some time had passed, but she was also painfully aware of how much time Raven lost with them, and with Aden in particular, when she ended their relationship.  
  
"I'm so sorry, Raven." Their meals were placed down in front of them as Abby hung her head. She felt the weight of her mistakes pressing against her chest and she rubbed the heel of her hand against the spot above her heart which ached the most when she allowed herself to acknowledge her regrets.  
  
"What do you mean, Abby?" Raven pushed her plate aside and clasped her hands together, leaning forward and resting her elbows on the table between them.  
  
Abby rested her own hands on the table and took a deep breath, straightening up and taking a moment just to look at Raven. Their three years apart had been kind to the woman, barely a line in her skin marking her change of age. By contrast, Abby felt as though she were worn and tired, and was certain it showed in her eyes. Her hands looked like she remembered her grandmother’s looking and she chuckled, the sound almost bitter as it occurred to her how ridiculous she was, a grandmother herself now, trying to wrestle with the heart ache of being in love with someone so much younger.

"I've made so many mistakes. Ontari and I broke up two months ago and I've spent that time thinking about all the things I wish I could change. Longer, if I'm honest. I'm sorry that you lost so much more than just me when I ended things."  
  
Raven reached across the table and rested a hand on top of Abby's. She dipped her head to catch Abby’s gaze and Abby bit down on the inside of her cheek, trying to think of anything but Raven's touch. She hoped her reaction, her need to turn her hand over and reciprocate the gesture, wasn't obvious.  
  
"Abby, I-" Raven sighed, stroking her fingers over Abby's knuckles, oblivious to the torture Abby was feeling in the moment. "-you can't feel guilty about that anymore. Breakups are devastating for everyone involved. Even though it was your decision, I know it was a horrible experience for you and, in some ways, one of the hardest parts was that you were hurting and I couldn't do anything to help you because I was part of the problem." Raven's face was full of concern and all Abby wanted to do was lean across the table and kiss her.  
  
Abby’s heart ached at the realisation that her suspicions had been true. Nothing had changed for her in the three years since she had broken up with Raven, she still felt exactly the same, and yet everything had changed in that time.

"You were never part of the problem, Raven.” Abby looked her in the eye as she spoke, her words hanging between untouched for a long moment. “We should eat before this gets cold." It took every ounce of will power Abby could muster to pull her hand away from Raven's. “Tell me about work.”

Raven unwrapped her cutlery and placed the napkin on her lap, her eyes still full of concern and something else Abby couldn’t quite place. Sadness? Confusion? Abby didn’t want to analyse it too much. With a sigh, Raven began to fill Abby in on the latest developments at work, the major project she and her team were working on, and the partnership they had developed with a Japanese university which would see her heading there for a visit shortly before Christmas. Raven didn't mention her upcoming move and Abby didn't ask, her heart clenching at the thought that Raven would be following Gina and leaving the workplace they both loved so much, even though it sounded as though she would be able to continue in her role in some way. 

Listening, Abby was genuinely intrigued by how much Raven’s department, the department she had once helped manage, had accomplished in a relatively short time frame, and in many ways their conversation wasn’t any different to those they used to share over lunch in the very same spot when they were still together.

“Abby, I could talk about work forever, you know that, but I’m a little worried about you.” Raven picked up her napkin and wiped the corners of her lips before placing it on her plate and pushing it aside. “I’m sorry things didn’t work out between you and Ontari, and moving back is a great idea, but it’s also another big change to deal with, you know?”

Half of Abby’s burger remained untouched in front of her, but she mirrored Raven’s movements and pushed the plate aside. Abby nodded her head to bide her time. She had a choice to make. The right one for her was not the right one for Raven, and with a history of making terrible decisions which affected them both, Abby was hesitant to even open her mouth.

“I- Raven- I came here for the wrong reasons today.” Abby sighed, smiling at the beautiful woman before her. She swallowed against tears which were fighting for release, and the concern which was once again etched into Raven’s features broke her heart.

“What do you mean?” Raven’s voice was barely above a whisper, the sound carrying across to Abby only because she was watching Raven so intently.

It wasn’t fair to leave Raven with an untidy picture of her feelings, nor was it fair to force Raven to relive Abby’s mistake again as she listed her regrets. At the same time, though, Abby felt Raven deserved the truth, which was something she’d wrestled with until her conversation in Lexa and Clarke’s kitchen three nights before.

“I just-when we broke up, I couldn’t ever really explain to you why, and you kept asking me, you asked me for a reason and every time I couldn’t give you one it felt as though another part of us was being torn apart and-“

“Abby, stop. You don’t have to do this. It’s not important anymore, okay? We’re okay, you know? I don’t expect explanations from you anymore.” Raven reached for her purse and grabbed her card to hand to the woman who delivered their check, eyes never wavering from Abby as she did so.

“I know you don’t, but I need you to know that it wasn’t because I’d stopped loving you.” Saying the word caused both of them to inhale sharply, colour dusting Raven’s cheeks as she did so. Abby wanted to add that she still did, was still in love like a teenager and her heart had been in pieces for three years. She’d hoped Ontari could help to put her back together, but it was unfair to expect anyone to do something she’d never be able to do herself.

“The week before you asked me to marry you, it was the anniversary of Costia’s death and Lexa had been distant for days, and Clarke -“

“I remember.” Raven sighed.

“When she went out with you and Octavia that night she was worried about Lexa, so I went over to help Lexa out with Aden, and once he fell asleep we talked. She told me everything, about the accident, about receiving the phone call while she was at work, about having to drive to the hospital knowing from the sound of the woman’s voice that there was little chance of Costia being okay-“ Abby felt the tears trailing down her cheeks now and Raven rummaged in her bag again to find a tissue and handed it to Abby, tears in her own eyes too, “-and she was broken, Raven, completely broken having to tell me that. She had to drive over to Costia’s mother’s place afterward to tell her the news, it was just like-“

“Jake.” Raven swallowed against the name of the man who’d had such a presence in her life with Abby. It had taken Abby time, too, to tell Raven about the death of her husband several years before. Clarke had been only fourteen years old at the time.

“I know there isn’t an ounce of logic to equating marriage with the deaths of Costia and Jake, but I’d spent that week trying to draw you in closer, trying to protect you from the whole world, and then when you asked me to marry you it was as though everything inside me just froze.”

Raven reached out her hands again and gripped Abby’s between her own, pulling Abby towards her. Both of them leaned their elbows on the table, its depth the only thing keeping them apart. Abby stared at their hands, unsure she would be able to stand meeting Raven’s gaze if she lifted her head.

“Abby.” Raven waited a moment before repeating her name. “Abby, look at me, please?”

Abby drew one of her hands away from Raven’s grasp and wiped her eyes before bringing her other hand back to join it, clasped inches away from Raven’s. She couldn’t look at her and touch her at the same time. It was too much. Shifting her gaze, Abby looked up at Raven, the sunlight catching the tears in the corner of her eyes as she spoke.

“We can’t change all that, Abby. But I need you to know I’m not angry. Not at you, I-“ Raven frowned and glanced at her watch, “I probably need to head back, but like I said I have Saturday free, why don’t you come by before you leave?”

Abby felt a warmth begin to settle in her chest, hovering over the wreckage she’d caused and the memories it was attached to. She nodded her head, and as Raven began to shuffle along the seat of the booth, Abby did the same. As soon as she stood, Raven pulled Abby into a hug which nearly knocked the air out of her. Wrapping her arms around Raven’s waist, Abby let herself have that moment, a few seconds where she could be close to her again, a few seconds to remember.

“Make the most of your break, Abby. Do some things you would never have done when you lived here. Be a tourist this week and just relax, okay?” Raven spoke quietly, her voice reverberating against Abby’s neck causing her to pull away.

The two walked wordlessly to the exit, and outside the café the sunlight created a glare from the pavement which saw both shielding their eyes and searching for their sunglasses.

“You take care, Abby. Give Aden a squeeze from Aunt Raven, okay?” Raven placed a hand on Abby’s arm, and Abby took a step closer, wrapping her arms around her again.

“Saturday?” One word was all Abby could manage.

“Saturday.” Raven smiled as she stepped back and Abby tried to ignore the way the woman’s eyes were able to smooth the rough edges inside her chest.

Raven walked away with a wave and a glance over her shoulder, and Abby barely managed to walk one block before she was reaching for her phone and selecting Lexa’s number.

“Hey, Abby.” Lexa’s voice caused the edges of Abby’s mouth to curve upwards in the first smile of her day which wasn’t laced with sadness or regret.

“Hello beautiful girl, I think I’m going to take you up on your offer. I need to be with my favorite people right now, but I insist on sleeping on the couch so the two of you have your bed to yourselves.”

Lexa argued with Abby for three more blocks, insisting she could remain in Aden’s room. Abby insisted he have his own space back, and she won in the same way she imagined Clarke often did with Lexa. When her daughter in law called her stubborn, Abby laughed for the first time all day and felt as though she could breathe again. What she couldn’t say was that navy sheets printed with constellations and wooden rocket ships and glow-in-the-dark-stars made her heart ache for the woman she was still in love with.


	3. Clouds Torn Into Pieces

_“Doctor Griffin, if I may, there isn’t sufficient data around appropriate host response to support our usage of this material.”_

_Abby had heard rumors about the new recruit, the graduate’s reputation preceding their appointment to the research team. Confident, highly intelligent, the best in their field, youngest PhD candidate to complete a Bio-E doctorate at the university in 52 years. Needless to say, Abby had been more than impressed. She had also been excited to meet the person she knew would be an asset to the research team._

_Abby cursed herself for being surprised to find the recruit was a young woman. She also cursed herself for allowing her eyes to roam when the woman walked into the meeting room. Still thinking about the cut of the suit the woman was wearing, and the V created by the open buttons on the shirt she wore so well, Abby was taken aback when the woman questioned her proposal in their initial team meeting._

_“In your opinion, Doctor Reyes?”_

_“On the contrary, I’m stating this in fact. We need to consider the age of the recipients and previous interventions. Under the circumstances we’re increasing the risk of septic complications.”_

_“I can see you’re going to keep us on our toes, Doctor Reyes.”_

_“I intend to, but you have quite the reputation, Doctor Griffin, I’m sure it’s nothing you can’t handle.”_

_The suggestion of a drink after work a few weeks later caught Abby off guard. She mumbled an excuse as they entered the elevator together and the two stood in a silence broken only by the automated voice which announced the number of each floor until they reached the ground._

_As the doors opened, Raven turned and offered Abby a smile before walking towards the hospital entrance. Reaching the doors, Raven paused and Abby pretended to fish around in her bag for her car keys, determined not to look up until she was sure the woman was gone. Her breath caught in her throat when the clicking of heels over the floor was replaced by a hand on her arm. Looking up, Abby was captivated by the mischievous look in Raven’s eyes and knew she would be unable to decline her offer a second time._

_“I’ve seen you more committed to a cup of coffee than you were to that answer.”_

_“I really love coffee.”_

_“So let me buy you a drink, Abby.” The satisfied half-smile which graced Raven’s features turned to a smirk before Abby had the chance to protest._

* * *

 

For the best part of three months, Abby had been thinking about home. In New York, with Ontari, ‘home’ had been the word she’d used to describe Boston, as if the life they were making together was something temporary, something in between. It stung when Ontari pointed this out. When Abby had confessed her feelings, pausing the movie they were watching together and turning her body to face her girlfriend, Ontari had nodded as though she’d been expecting the words in the very same order Abby delivered them. Abby’s hands shook as she reached to take Ontari’s in her own. There was no relief to saying it aloud. The pressure inside Abby’s chest multiplied, the sensation that she was crawling through an increasingly narrow space, walls pressing harder against her body as she moved.

“I’ve seen you disappearing.” Ontari whispered, her voice thick with tears. The words echoed inside Abby's guilt, pummeling against her ears, a heavy rolling sound. She was dressed in it now. Guilt and regret. Tears stained Abby’s cheeks when the screen background of the computer replaced the paused image on their television and every picture was Boston, Boston, Boston.

Boston was the first time ‘home’ had been Abby’s responsibility. It was the first time she had been required to make a life out of four walls without someone else sharing the load. She’d lived all over the country, but after Jake died Abby vowed their move to Boston would be her last. She and Clarke spent five years putting themselves back together in that city, working out that a family of two could still be an army.

When Clarke left for college, the two of them were forced to redefine home again. Clarke had to learn to find stillness inside the constant buzz and whir, while Abby needed to learn to settle into the silence. And it was then, just when Abby had begun to fill in all the empty space around her, just when she had started to define it as her own, that a counter argument, and a wicked smirk, derailed her.

It was black hair sprawled across her pillow which became home shortly after. It was 3am texts and butterflies in her stomach like she was seventeen again. Home, was anywhere she could be with Raven.

Abby knew moving back to Boston would mean unlearning so many things. She also knew it would be like pressing the reset button and going back eight years as she tried to remember how to fill and how to settle and how to be.

 

* * *

 

Abby spent the week walking Aden to school and collecting him at the end of each day, his hand in hers taking up space in her chest. She was reminded of the beauty of slowing her pace, the early years with Clarke teaching her to view the world differently, carving out time for things adults miss in the rush of the day to day.

Her hours in between were spent on long walks, exhausting herself in an effort to find new places. She was no stranger to rounding a corner and being confronted by a memory when familiar sights and smells settled inside her, taking her back. Abby crossed roads to streets she didn’t recall, and drank coffee in small cafés which were nestled between her memories, but which didn’t house any of their own, yet, at all. She reminded herself of all the things she loved about the city and tried to ignore the silhouette of Raven which existed on the periphery of each of place which held the biggest portions of her heart.

In the evenings, Aden buried his head into Abby's side as they sat together on the couch scanning pictures of apartments on her laptop. Her only requirement was that she find something close to Lexa and Clarke, she’d lost too much time with all of them trying to build a life away from Boston. Abby now needed to have the best parts of her life within arms reach.

"This one’s a ten minute walk from here and two bedrooms, which means one of them would be yours." Reaching an arm around him she pulled him in close and pressed a kiss to the top of his head, breathing in the scent of his shampoo.  
  
"Can I ride my bike to yours if you move there, Nanna Ab?" He grinned up at her in the way which always guaranteed him a treat if they were shopping together.  
  
"Well," she eyed Lexa who sat cross legged on the floor trying to meditate, and watched as the woman opened one eye and shook her head, a small smile creeping across her otherwise neutral features. "Well, I think it might be a couple of years before you can ride without your moms with you-"  
  
"Or you, you're an adult, too. I need a drink." He was off before Abby could respond and Lexa, who had both eyes open now, let out a laugh at Abby's perplexed expression.  
  
"Is he always like this or is it just when he's around me?" Abby shifted the laptop onto the coffee table between them.  
  
"Always. There are fifty things on his mind and, if you're lucky, one of them will align to your conversation for a couple of minutes."  
  
They both laughed as Clarke walked into the room with the boy on her shoulders, drink bottle in hand.  
  
"Clarke says it's bedtime, but I want to look at more apartments." He attempted a pout but his face broke into a grin as Clarke reached up and tickled him. Hopping down from the height with the agility of an Olympic gymnast, he scrambled into Lexa's lap and gave her a kiss.  
  
"Can Clarke put me to bed?" His grin stretched across his face, and Abby was sure she could see him batting his long eyelashes at Lexa.

Wrapping him up in a tight hug, Lexa let out a sigh, exaggerating the sound for his benefit, and rolled her eyes as if she were acting on stage. “ _Fine_. I mean, she’s put you to be three nights in a row, but if you don’t want me that’s _fine_.” Aden giggled, wrapping his arms around her neck and whispering something in her ear.

Abby looked over at Clarke as she watched her wife and son interacting and Abby could see her daughter’s adoration for the pair in the smile which resided mostly in her eyes. It was the very same look Abby had witnessed as she walked her daughter down the aisle at their wedding. The look also reminded Abby of the one she often found in Raven’s eyes when she would turn around and realize Raven had been watching her doing something very ordinary such as reading over files from work or puzzling over a crossword in the newspaper on a Saturday morning.

_“What?” Abby asked, a smirk because she knew that look and had a fair idea of what Raven was going to say._

_“I’m in love with that brain of yours, Abs, you know that. And it doesn’t hurt that you’re hot as hell in those glasses.” Raven set her own half of the newspaper aside and beckoned Abby from the other side of the couch with a single finger._

_Complying, Abby placed her crossword on the floor, her pen dropping from her fingers to join it before she crawled to Raven’s end of the couch and settled between her hips._

_“Then how come when I’m using my brain you always end up distracting me, huh? I can’t even remember the alphabet when you look at me like that.” Abby licked her lips_

_"A." Raven placed a kiss to Abby's lips, and slid her body further down the couch so that she was flat on her back and Abby could rest on her fully._  
  
_"B." She kissed Abby's cheek, a fraction away from her lips and Abby grinned against Raven's mouth. "C....D..." Raven's lips traveled towards Abby's jaw and she allowed her tongue to caress the sensitive patch of skin below Abby's ear._  
  
_Twenty six kisses saw Raven's lips make their way down Abby's neck and across her collarbones before dipping down to Abby's chest. When Raven stopped at Z, Abby groaned in frustration._

_"I wish there were more letters." Abby lifted the hem of Raven’s tank top and let her fingers roam over warm skin._  
  
_"I could say them in reverse." Raven licked her lips, her grin full of mischief and promises._  
  
_"Yeah. Or, you could remind me how to count, I think I've forgotten numbers too." Abby ran her palm over the swell of Raven’s breast._  
  
_Raven breathed out a low chuckle, clicking her tongue and shaking her head._  
  
_"And just how far would you like me to go, Griffin?"_  
  
_"To one million"_

  
"Mom?"  
Abby blinked, averting her gaze from the candle on the bookcase behind Lexa and Aden. Looking up at Clarke, she bit down on the inside of her cheek and swallowed against the heat she could feel prickling at her cheeks.  
  
Clarke's face was a mix of concern and frustration. "Where did you go just now?"   
  
"Um...it, nowhere, it doesn’t matter.” Abby looked away, motioning with her hand for Aden to come over to her. “Give me a kiss, mister. You have sweet dreams, okay?” Aden wrapped his arms around Abby’s neck and squeezed to the point she began feeling pain before he released her.

Aden grabbed Abby’s face and pressed his mouth to the shell of her ear, hot breath distorting his voice as he whispered. “Love you to the moon, Nanna Ab.”

Grabbing his face, Abby leaned down to whisper in his ear, too. “You’re my favorite thing about the world.” Abby felt her own face break into a grin as a smile spread across Aden’s. Yawning, he stood in front of Clarke, arms raised above his head as he waited for her to pick him up.

Sighing, Abby watched Clarke carry her son out of the room before focusing her attention on Lexa. Legs still crossed, she sat with her hands clasped in her lap and gazed up at Abby from her position on the floor. There was something indescribable about the way Lexa was able to balance Abby out. Where Abby and Clarke would often clash, their personalities so similar, Lexa moved with the force instead of trying to go up against it. Abby was in awe of the way the young woman was able to command attention without uttering a word.

“Are you going to see her tomorrow?” Lexa shifted, rocking forward onto her knees to stand before walking over to the couch Abby was perched on.

Had Clarke asked her the very same question she may have bristled, concerned that there was judgement within it, concerned that Clarke had already formed an opinion before being asked. Abby knew with Lexa it was just a question.

Leaning against the arm, Lexa stretched her legs across Abby’s lap and placed a hand over the top of Abby’s when it came to rest on her leg. “I know you told Clarke you weren’t sure, but I wondered if you were just concerned about her reaction.”

Abby shook her head, a smirk forming at how well Lexa new them both. “If I’m honest, I’m not sure I should see her. It’d probably best for the both of us if I didn’t, but she invited me and, the truth is, I really want to.” Lexa squeezed Abby’s hand, her support silent as Clarke barreled back into the room.

"Okay, so I've been thinking." Clarke took up the spot on the other side of Abby on the couch, crossing her legs to face her mother and Lexa. "I know I said I didn't want to get into this because Gina's a friend and it's just too messy, but what do you have to lose by telling Raven how you feel?"  
  
Abby felt Lexa stiffen beside her, and she glanced at the woman to see her chewing on her lower lip, staring at Clarke with an unreadable expression.  
  
"She was so in love with you, Mom. If there's even the smallest chance she still has feelings for you-"  
  
"Clarke." There was a tone of warning in Lexa's voice and Abby felt her stomach beginning to churn.  
  
"Babe, I know they seem really happy, and maybe they are. And I know this conversation feels unfair to Gina, but so is marrying someone who may still be in love with somebody else. If you broke up with me and I somehow managed to move on, but then you wanted me back in your life...I...think I'd want to know."  
  
Lexa drew in a deep breath, exhaling slowly. Her grip on Abby’s hand didn’t falter, and Abby sat astonished that she had the two of them in her corner, both wanting the best for her even though their thoughts were poles apart.

Silence overtook them. Abby was tired of the feeling of her racing heart, of the weight on her mind which pulled her in every direction at once. "So I tell her she's the love of my life and I want to try again and she says no, then what?" Abby was aware her words sounded harsh, cutting through the stillness of the room as a challenge to Clarke, but she was struggling to control the way everything fit inside of her. There was too much.  
  
"Then, and this is the worst case scenario, you come back here, she moves away, and you start the process of actually moving on. I _know_ it's not at all simple, Mom. But you have us. You have so many beautiful friends who love you. So many people to support you in whatever way you need them to. And that beautiful boy in there," Clarke's eyes glistened with tears as she reached Abby's free hand, "-Mom, he thinks you're the whole world.” Her voice lowered as if it were a secret. “I know this is hard, but you have us, okay?"  
  
"You do, Abby." Lexa lifted Abby’s hand and brought her other one over so Abby’s was sandwiched between her two. "Having you here this week has been wonderful, and knowing you're moving back soon feels like relief somehow, I don't even know how to explain it. It just feels right for you to be here."  
  
Abby covered her face, leaning against Lexa’s legs as she let herself cry. It felt good not to have to hold on anymore. It felt good not to have to pretend, and Abby knew that regardless of the outcome with Raven, there were three people who would be there to help her find home again.

 

* * *

 

  
When the cab pulled up outside Raven's place, Abby smiled at the sight of legs sticking out from under a car. Paying the driver, Abby slipped out and tightened her grip on the handle of her suitcase before closing the door behind her.

Sliding out from under the vehicle, Raven cringed, her expression apologetic as she stood wiping her hands on the rag in her pocket. "Are you early, or am I a total asshole?"

Abby laughed and turned her phone to face Raven, illuminating the time. "You're not an asshole, the cab arrived quicker than I thought it would, and you're not actually that far out of the city."

Raven winked and Abby pushed her shoulders back, pretending that the look hadn’t liquefied her insides. “I tried to tell you that.”

Abby smiled and moved towards the front steps. “I’m happy to sit and wait if you’re not done.”

Raven rolled her eyes. “Abby, I’m never done, you know that.” The two shared a laugh which had Abby clenching her fist and digging her nails into her palm. She cursed herself for not being able to enjoy the familiar. It was true. When it came to cars or projects with her hands, Raven was never done. Abby recalled many Saturdays much like this one in which she drank coffee on the front step of their old place, sharing her time between reading, working, and watching Raven tinker.

“If you give me five minutes, I’ll shower and then make us a drink.” Raven smiled again and Abby felt it surging through her veins like a drug she'd never quite manage to get all the way out of her system. If Abby hadn't known better she would have been sure Raven was doing it all on purpose. But that was just Raven. All of it was more evidence that Abby’s feelings would never subside. Raven’s effortlessly friendly demeanor with anyone she’d trusted enough to let in, was a lifetime commitment. She was nothing if not loyal, and she was impossible not to love once she let you know her.

Grabbing Abby’s suitcase, Raven led her up the stairs and pushed open the front door. Dropping it in the entryway, Raven stood aside to let Abby pass. “You want the grand tour?”

Abby smiled, nodding her head even though the last thing she really wanted was to have a full picture of the space Raven now shared with another woman. Ahead of them was a small kitchen which led to a dining area and, beyond that, the small living room. Raven gestured to the couch and told Abby to make herself at home before pointing to the other end of the hallway and making an offhand comment about bedrooms and the bathroom.

Abby was sure she noticed the smallest hint of colour in Raven’s cheeks, and busied herself with her phone as Raven wandered off up the hall to shower. When Abby heard the water running she stood and wandered around the living room before circling back past the dining table and through the kitchen. Photographs were framed on the walls in the entry way, but they also appeared in odd spots on windowsills and between pots on the bookcase.

Framed in the living room above the television was a set of three photographs, each of them taken at Christmas over the space of a few years. The first appeared to be the most recent, Aden sitting on Raven’s lap as she stretched her arms out ahead of her to take a group selfie. Gina, Anya, Lexa, Octavia, Bellamy, Clarke, and Sinclair were pictured in the background, their faces positioned between each other and over each other’s shoulders in order to fit within the frame. Abby and Ontari had arrived later that evening to have Christmas dinner with Lexa, Clarke and Aden, all of whom were too full to eat a proper dinner by the time they’d arrived.

In the centre was a picture of Gina and Raven in the snow, wrapped gifts in hand, Sinclair attempting to lift Raven off the ground, her smile wide and Gina’s eyes on her adoringly.

Abby moved to view the third photograph and felt her heart clench when she recognised it as one taken on the same day as the picture which resided on Lexa and Clarke’s mantel.

Taken a few moments before the one she’d spent a week glancing at, the one on Raven’s wall showed Abby holding Aden, Raven sitting one leg crossed over the other, facing the camera, red tinsel at her feet.

“He started screaming as soon as we took that picture, remember?” Abby turned to see Raven toweling her hair dry, an uncertain smile on her face. Abby nodded, glancing back at the photo so as not to allow her gaze to linger on Raven’s toned arms as she lifted them above her head.

“Clarke insisted we take another photo and he wouldn’t settle for me and we waited ages.” Abby felt her heart swell at the memory, Raven’s smile mirroring her own and fading only when neither of them acknowledged that Raven displayed the picture in which the two of them were not seated together. Abby understood why. She hoped Raven could see that she did.

As if answering the other question on the tip of Abby’s tongue, Raven pointed to the opposite wall behind the couch. “That’s Gina’s family wall over there. Coffee?” Raven turned and walked from the room without another glance, the ‘ _this is mine_ ’ unspoken. Abby replied automatically even though her mind was elsewhere.

“Please.”

It took her a moment to get her feet to move, to cooperate and follow Raven back out to the kitchen. As Raven busied herself at the counter, Abby observed the way the woman’s shoulders were raised, tension evident in the muscles across her back.

“You’re in all his stories, you know?” Abby sat herself down on one of the stools by the counter and leaned on her elbows as Raven turned, visibly relaxing despite the confused expression on her face.

“Aden, son of the Commanders. They’re more elaborate now and, turns out, he has an Aunt who is a genius and can fix anything. She has a bum leg, but her brain is all kinds of awesome, apparently.” Abby felt her own face split into a grin as Raven threw her head back and laughed.

“He’s not wrong, Abs.”

Abby had been awoken by the feeling of Aden’s fingers stroking her forehead earlier that morning. Shifting herself back into the cushions of the couch, she made space for him to crawl up beside her and wrapped her arm around his tiny frame. She held everything perfect and whole in that moment. She let him fill the empty spaces inside her with stories about the imaginary world he’d barely spoken of all week. His eyes were wide when he talked about his quest to become Commander Aden, about the kingdom in which his mothers were warriors, where the people of the sky and the people of the trees learned to live together. Every significant person in his life was a hero in his world.  
  
“What about you, Nanna Ab?” Raven winked at her as she pushed a cup of coffee across the counter. “Where do you factor into the Woods clan and the tree people these days?” Raven motioned with her thumb towards the door and Abby picked up her cup to follow her outside.

Sitting down on the top step, Raven turned so that she was propped up against the brickwork at the side of the stairs and Abby sat, leaning against the opposite side, one leg tucked under the other. She took a tentative sip of her drink, placing it on the cement beside her before answering.

“I’m the healer of the Sky people. You’re Sky, too, not Tree, just to be clear.” Abby watched as Raven smiled into her drink. "You, me, Clarke, we’re all Sky. Jake too.” Raven pressed her hand to her chest at Abby’s words and Abby nodded, her heart clenching as it had the first time Aden had told her. “We’re all heroes in that world, his moms are warriors, but somehow you and Jake are the biggest pieces of the story. Jake died saving the lives of all the Sky people in space. You save us all when we reach the ground.”

Abby picked up her drink and gulped at the coffee. Raven had finished hers and played with the handle of the mug silently for a few moments.

“I adore that kid, Abby. He’s too much.” Raven smiled, but Abby could see the effort behind it, her eyes reflecting a series of things Abby knew she wouldn’t say.

The photographs in Raven's living room had been framed and hung with precision. The overlaps of the most important people in their lives were something which hadn’t changed in the past three years. There would always be the connection of family, Raven having had very few people in her corner before she and Abby met.

That, Abby could handle. The places where they were still joined somehow could hurt if she let them, but as Abby looked at Raven she was sure she could learn to live with that again. Instead, it was the hand written sticky note messages on the refrigerator, and the engine parts on the kitchen table which caused Abby’s heart to ache most. It was each of the tiny fragments which fit together to make a life she wasn’t part of which broke her in two again.

“You’re doing it again.” Raven’s voice was too soft, too familiar, too much like early morning suggestions of coffee and breakfast in bed as sleep faded from Abby's fingertips and they found Raven’s skin, light seeping in through closed curtains.

Abby shifted her gaze away from Raven, running her fingers along the ridges in the top step. It was unnerving that this woman could still see through her. “What am I doing?”

“Apologizing for things which can’t be changed. You’re beating yourself up again. Like lunch the other day. Old decisions, Abby. You don’t need to do that anymore. We’ve both moved on.” Raven shifted, sitting in the middle of the step, turning her body so she was side on to Abby, but closer.

Abby wanted to move, too. She wanted to turn her body so that she was directly beside Raven, she wanted to nudge her shoulder and lighten the mood. She wanted to crack a joke, but she was drained.

“I tried. Raven.” Abby felt the lines around her mouth search for a memory of how to smile, but Raven didn’t even look her way. Arms resting on her knees, Raven stared ahead, body tense as if she were bracing herself for something, and Abby knew she’d gone too far to turn back. “I really tried, Raven. But I’m stuck back there. I’m stuck like its three years ago and it wasn’t my choice to leave. The biggest part of me never did.”

Raven sucked in a breath through her nose like she knew what was coming, like she was preparing for the impact of the words on the very tip of Abby’s tongue. Stretching out her left leg, Raven allowed her body to pivot slightly. Abby was almost relieved when it became clear Raven couldn’t bring herself to make eye contact, but she leaned back on one arm, her changed posture showing Abby she was listening.

Abby didn’t know how to dress up the words in her head to make them sound less desperate. She didn’t know how to deliver them without crossing a thousand lines which were no longer hers to cross. She felt her chest rising and falling more rapidly, the butterflies which often resided in her stomach at the thought of Raven, were now shifting unpleasantly around her heart. It felt like jumping off. It felt like falling fast inside a dream, and she was afraid of the jolt which was sure to come when she awoke.

“I’m still in love with you.” Abby could barely hear her own voice over the sound of her heart beat pulsing in her ears. Raven heard it though. Raven pushed a breath out through barely parted lips, eye brows knitting together without a word.

“I’ve known it for a long time. The day of your engagement party I wanted to plead with you not to get married, not to someone that wasn’t me. I broke up with Ontari a few days after.” Raven turned her head at this, shock forcing the colour to fade from her face. Raven's chest rose and fell at the same pace as Abby’s and she looked back down at her feet.

“Abby, please stop.” This time when Raven lifted her head, she looked up at Abby through long lashes. Abby expected the tone of warning, but there was no malice in Raven’s voice, no anger, no aggression. Her words were laced with an understanding Abby couldn’t grasp. It was reflected in the way Raven turned into her, one leg touching Abby’s knee, her hands restless in her lap. “You can’t do this here, Abby. It’s not right. This isn’t just my house, this is Gina’s space too and it’s not right.”

Abby had expected the guilt which lined the back of her throat, it's taste overwhelmingly familiar. She had expected the churning in the pit of her stomach. What she hadn’t expected was the numbness, the all too familiar type of limbo which encircled her heart.

Raven looked at Abby then and it took everything in her to pick herself up off the step. Walking inside the open front door, Abby picked up her suitcase and her purse and walked back out to where Raven sat.

“I didn’t come here to cause trouble, Raven. I want you to be happy. If Gina is that person for you then…she’s an exceptionally lucky woman. I just had to know, you know?” Abby could feel her face flush under Raven’s gaze as she stood before her. 

Raven ran her fingers through her hair. “Let me get my keys, Abs. I’ll drive you to the airport.” She walked past Abby, a soft smile on her face as if she were trying to apologize for something herself, as if _she_ were the one to have let an unsolicited confession take form.

Abby walked down the driveway to the car which was parked beside the nature strip and waited at the passenger door. She didn’t want to put Raven out, but refusing the offer felt as though it would do more damage somehow.

She turned at the rattle of keys, the bundle hooked over Raven’s pinky finger as she swept her hair up into a messy ponytail. She’d grabbed her jacket, too. The red fabric engrained in so many of Abby’s memories.

“You don’t have to do this.”

Raven looked at her over the roof of her car and smiled. This one reached her eyes. This one trimmed the jagged edges inside of Abby, smoothing them somehow. “Hop in, Abby. I don’t know how to fix this yet. You know I like a good drive.”

 

* * *

The words Abby typed and erased and retyped on her flight back to New York made less sense each time she tried to construct them. Each time she started a message to Clarke, her thumbs hovered over the small keyboard of her phone, but for the life of her she couldn’t turn the letters there into a string of words which allowed the situation to make sense.

The way Raven held her as they embraced outside the airport terminal played on Abby’s mind as she checked in. She thought about it as she sat at the gate dreading the wait which would be longer than the time she’d spend in the air. Raven hadn’t been angry. Raven didn’t do angry, as a rule, with the people she cared for. Raven worked in shades of happiness, understanding, and disappointment, and Abby had expected the latter, at the very least. But it didn’t come.

_Not here_ , Raven had said. But Abby didn’t think it would do to take her literally. _It’s not right_ , had been the thing she’d repeated, and Abby knew she’d spend days, weeks even, wondering whether Raven meant the feelings or just the words themselves.

**Just landed.**

These were the only words her thumbs could coordinate, the only two Clarke received despite all the ones Abby had tried to create.

When she arrived back at the house, she was met with the sight of boxes, each room almost empty, only the things she used daily still on display. She’d almost forgotten in her week away, her week back home, what she needed to come back to, the thing she needed to end before she’d be able to begin again. Before she was able to go home.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big thanks to my beta KJ.
> 
> Also, keen to know if anyone is familiar with the poem I'm taking my chapter titles from :) Drop me a line if you know it :)


	4. Leaning Together by Thousands

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you to my beta KJ - I appreciate your input, dude :)  
> Also, a shout out to Sawickies who made my day ;)

Abby moved around her apartment like a guest who was trying not to impose. It had been a little over two months since Ontari had moved out, but it had been even longer since Abby had felt entitled to the space they'd shared. It was small. Their heavy work schedules meant they were rarely home. Dinner out most nights and meeting up with friends for a drink made the apartment a place to fuck and sleep and change clothes before repeating the routine again the very next day.

Empty cardboard containers now overfilled the bin below the sink in the kitchenette. Collecting takeout on her way home from work when she remembered to eat, Abby had spent more time in the apartment in a few short weeks than she had in the two years she and Ontari had been together. The bedroom, the one they had shared, was the only space which still looked lived in.

Abby felt herself rattling around inside the place. Each footstep was amplified on the squeaking boards without someone else to fill the silence in the space around her. She was startled by every door or cupboard closing as if she weren’t the one causing it to move in the first place. She gritted her teeth against the sounds she created, squinted into the stillness, and crept from front door to kitchen to bedroom without allowing who she was to spill into the spaces in between.

Retiring to bed early most nights, Abby would prop herself up with pillows and cover herself with blankets like a child making a fort. She and Ontari had never been perfect, but Abby missed the feeling of a warm body beside her, arms wrapped around her, breath on her neck. She switched between watching TV and working, alternating between her laptop and endless piles of paper work.

Abby hadn't spoken to her family since leaving Boston. She'd responded to messages hours late, Clarke and Lexa each sending several asking if she was okay, asking how the conversation with Raven had gone, if in fact she'd had it at all. For two weeks she'd been letting most of her calls go to message bank, watching the phone vibrate against her desk, feeling it pulse inside her pocket. She only answered if it was work related, necessary in order to ensure the transition from her to Ash Jackson was a smooth one. She only answered if the call would help to move things along, get her back to Boston. Get her back home.

Thelonius had sent numerous emails requesting details of the exact date she’d be back and able to take up her old role again. In her mind the revolving door at the front on the building would have her entering from one direction and Raven exiting from the other. If she timed it right they may not see each other at all.

The low beeping of a Skype call invaded Abby’s solitude. Abby knew Clarke would be able to see she was online and she accepted the call, pulling in a long breath, and waited for the sound to catch up to the fuzzy picture of Aden moving about in the center of her screen.

“Nanna Ab! We miss you! Why don’t you talk to us anymore?” The boy’s face was so close to the camera she could see the remnants of dinner still around his mouth. Abby had skipped dinner again, and looked away from the screen to glance at the glass of wine on her night stand, angling her laptop to ensure it wasn’t visible.

She laughed in response to his question, but had no words to mask the twinge of guilt she felt upon hearing his question.

Lexa grabbed Aden, pulling him into her lap as Clarke settled down beside them.

“Ignore this guy, Abby, he’s super sassy today. We just wanted to check up on you.” Lexa smiled, her chin resting on the top of Aden’s head. Lexa was the calm before the storm. She always had been. She was always there to soften and smooth the jagged edges of Clarke’s hasty decisions. Clarke played her cards like she was running out of time, like she wanted to see how the game was going to end when she was only half way through. Lexa held hers close and was always thinking three moves ahead.

“Have you been talking to Raven, Mom?” The card was on the table and something about Clarke’s tone was unsettling. Abby knew it was probably concern, but it looked a lot like judgement. Abby suspected Clarke could taste it, too.

“No. We haven’t spoken since the day I left, why?” Abby adjusted herself against the pillows on her bed. She noticed Clarke whispering something in Aden’s ear and, without a word, he grinned and jumped up from Lexa’s lap, disappearing from the screen. Clarke and Lexa exchanged a glance.

“What did you say to her that day, Mom?” There was a half-smile on Clarke’s face and something like sadness in her eyes. Clarke was trying, and Abby could feel a lump forming at the back of her own throat with all the things she couldn’t say.

Abby didn’t owe them an explanation, but they had every reason to be worried. She'd been a mess when she was staying with them. The last thing she wanted was to be dishonest with her daughter. Clarke deserved so much more than that. Abby sighed.

“I told her leaving had been a terrible mistake. I said I’m still in love with her. That was that.” The corners of Abby’s mouth felt heavy as she tried to force a smile, but she had no energy to spare for pretending.

Clarke nodded, her own smile forced before she stood from her position next to Lexa and followed the same path as Aden out of the room. Lexa watched her go, the hushed whisper of _Clarke_ barely audible before she turned back around.

“I’m sorry, Abby. Maybe calling was a bad idea. She’s been so worried about you. We both have. She didn’t think it was her place to talk to Raven, especially not knowing what happened between you two that day.” Lexa drew in a measured breath.

“Nothing happened.” Abby rushed. She felt her cheeks burn at the implication she read into Lexa’s words.

“No. I didn’t-Abby, I wasn’t.” Lexa scraped her teeth over her lower lip before continuing. “I just mean we knew you'd seen Raven, but we didn’t know whether you’d decided to say something or not.” Lexa moved closer to the screen as if it could somehow reduce the miles between them.

“Do you think Clarke’s upset with me? Do you think I did the wrong thing?” Abby reached for her glass of wine and let the cold glass rest against her cheek before she took a sip.

Lexa scrunched up her nose and looked away from the screen for a moment before turning back to face Abby.

“I really don’t know. I feel like Clarke,” Lexa shook her head, “-I feel like _we_ talked you into it. And, you know what Clarke’s like, Abby. She wants everyone to be happy. She wants everyone to feel okay and she can’t settle when she doesn’t know how to fix something.” Lexa paused. “She and Raven are alike in that way.”

Abby sunk her teeth into her lower lip and nodded. Lexa didn’t need to have a conversation with Raven to know Abby’s words were a problem she would be trying to solve. She and Lexa ended the call without a goodbye from Clarke or Aden, but with the promise that Abby would call them back within the week. She would call this time. She had to. Abby couldn’t fix everything either, but she could start by alleviating some of Clarke’s concerns.

Closing the lid of her laptop, Abby ignored the nagging thought that there were still more emails to attend to. She ignored the way the clock on her nightstand could barely illuminate the digits of 7:30 because there was still too much light creeping in through the blinds from outside. She couldn’t wait until the room was cast into darkness. The glass of wine beside the clock remained untouched as she settled down in her bed, and Abby closed her eyes against the rally, the to and fro of difficult decisions, which caused an ache at her temples.

 

* * *

 

Somehow New York felt colder after her time in Boston. Two and a half weeks away from the people she loved wasn’t helped by the calendar showing her June was coming to an end. Abby had always loved summer, but for the first time the longer days felt like a burden. She spent most of her time indoors, the hospital or her apartment, wasting the extra daylight hours packing memories she wanted to keep into boxes, while trying to forget those which were an awkward fit now she was trying to move on.

There were three windows in Abby’s office, and in every direction grey held the city together. Abby wanted to see trees and hills and to sit some place quiet without feeling the vibration of millions of feet reverberating through the earth below her. She wanted to be home, but home was still weeks away with responsibilities akin to skyscrapers in between.

Abby turned her gaze from the center window, the words to a song Raven used to play, the title one she couldn’t quite recall, on a loop in her mind.

_All that steel and stone are no match for the air, my friend…_

Abby had always loved that Raven thought primarily in formulas, in facts and figures. She researched and trialled until hypotheses became tangible, until she could hold the product of her thoughts in her hands, and yet Raven would say there was poetry in the way the roots of trees would spend their lives fighting what was made above them. Somehow, Abby had loved that even more. Raven had always said if she could draw she would sketch the way concrete sidewalks split with the forces of nature beneath them. Raven loved seeing painted white picket fences shattered by what had created them, as if the trees themselves resented being used that way, as if they hated the straight lines and smooth edges. They rebelled.

_…what doesn’t bend breaks, what doesn’t bend breaks._

Each day Abby found herself struggling to reason with the years she had wasted, her portion of time in New York one she wouldn’t recount when she spoke of her life at the very end. Abby struggled with the thought that she would have little to say about the years she had lived without Raven, that their five together would be the ones she would recall time and time again as she lived multiples without her.

The room which had been Abby’s base for two years felt twice as big. She stood in her office wishing for blankets and pillows to pad the space around her, to make herself feel safer, to feel less alone.

The evidence of her work life in New York was packed in the boxes which stood three high behind the door. The cream walls were now devoid of posters and framed quotes; white cursive fonts on pastel backgrounds. Her photographs had been the last to be boxed up, piled on top of contents from her desk drawers, Aden's face smiling up at her as it had through the screen of her laptop a few nights before.  
  
Abby spent the next hour completing her final interview report. While nothing was official yet, Abby was aware that everyone on the panel had rated Jackson highly. The paper work was merely a formality.

Distracted, the file of applications open on her desk, she answered a call from a number she didn't recognize on the third ring.

"Abby Griffin." She twirled a pen between her fingers, the only one she hadn’t boxed up, and waited for the person on the other end of the line to respond.

"Yeah, Abby. Hi.”

She knew she recognized the voice, but couldn’t quite place it. “Who-”

 “-this is Gina Martin."

Abby felt a chill tingling low in her spine as she sat up in her chair, put down her pen, and removed her glasses. Letting them hang from her thumb and forefinger, she bit down on her lower lip and sucked in a breath, waiting for the anger, waiting for an affronted tirade from the woman.

“Gina, I, um, is everything okay?” Abby’s words rolled out, tangled in the breath she’d been holding.

“No, I don’t think it is, Abby. I’m actually not sure what’s going on.” Gina's tone was curt. Abby heard her take a deep breath and she closed her eyes in preparation for whatever Gina had to say. “You work at the University of Arcadia hospital, right?”

“I do.” Abby’s response was tentative. Her mind cycled through all the possible reasons for Gina’s call, all the possible reasons Raven could have had to tell Gina what was said on the steps of their house over a fortnight before. Abby couldn’t connect her thoughts back to work, back to the building which stood ten stories high and the bare office which felt colder with each passing moment, sun hiding between other buildings and not ever able to creep in through the windows.

“Yeah, I thought so. Look, it’s Raven.”

There it was.

The name they shared but which Abby no longer had any claim to, no right to discuss. She bit her lip again and waited for Gina to continue.

“She’s in New York for work this week, okay. Something’s happened. There was a drama with the insurance company because I’m the listed card holder and someone from the hospital called me. They were happy to confirm my damn details, every last one, but they wouldn’t tell me if she was okay.” Abby could hear despair and exhaustion, and her heart clenched at the thought of Gina, hours away, not knowing if Raven was all right.

Abby’s eyes widened in alarm. She could feel her heart pounding inside her chest, cheeks flushing, and she reached to run a hand over her braid as she forced herself to ask the question.

“Gina, what are you saying? Raven’s here? Is she’s sick? Or hurt?” Panic rose in her voice and she stood from her chair at such a rate that it went careening back, hitting the wall behind her. She cringed at the sound, turning to see it had marked the windowsill, and heard Gina pause as if wondering whether it was safe to continue.

“Look, I don’t know, Abby.” There was anger there now. “I just need you find her and call me when you know. I’ve tried her phone but it’s going straight to message bank and when I tried to call the hospital they bounced me around and kept putting me on hold.” The frustration in Gina’s voice was amplified on each new word and Abby felt it reverberating inside her head.

“Okay, I’ll go see what I can find out. I’ll call you as soon as I find her, as soon as I know what’s going on, okay?” Abby ended the call a split second after she heard the muted tone of a _thank you_ in her ear. It was bitten out through clenched teeth and Abby felt fear and guilt rushing through her veins in waves.

Shifting the papers on her desk into an untidy stack, Abby fussed and looked left and right for her keys before feeling them bump against her chest, swinging from the lanyard around her neck. Clutching her phone, she charged out of her office. She scanned her work contacts as she marched toward the elevator, but couldn’t decide who to call in order to find out information sooner than the elevator could take her to Emergency.

When it chimed, she was forced back by a group of interns who were laughing and turning to each other, taking their time exiting the doors which kept threatening to close. Pushing her way past, Abby pressed her fingers repeatedly against the button to take her to the Lower Ground floor. She groaned as Diana Sydney squeezed herself in between the doors just as they were about to close. The intrusion caused them to open all the way up again, and Abby sighed audibly only to receive a frown from the Head of Oncology.

“ _Someone_ is rather impatient today.”

Abby was sure she saw the woman roll her eyes, but chose to ignore both the comment and the accompanying gesture.

The elevator stopped on the fifth floor and Abby tapped her phone against her hand as she waited for a technician to wheel in a cart of equipment before pressing the LG button repeatedly once more. The technician reached over and pressed the button for the third floor and Abby tried to return his smile but was sure her face formed something resembling a grimace instead.

The shifting in her stomach had little to do with the motion of the elevator and everything to do with the anticipation she had no outlet for as she traveled at an exceptionally slow speed down the center of the building. As the technician exited and Abby went back to tapping the button again, Diana scoffed and folder her arms, her glare pointed.

“What’s your big emergency, Griffin. You’re not even rostered on this week, they’re paying you to swan about and waste paper while you tidy up all the loose ends you’re leaving behind.” The woman grinned as though she had just revealed her knowledge of some great secret and Abby snapped.

“I have a big _fucking_ emergency, actually. Someone I care about very much is hurt and I have no way of knowing what happened or how bad she is.” Abby felt breathless as she closed her mouth after the final word and Diana’s face contorted, blushing rising in her cheeks.

“Jesus. I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

“Of course you didn’t. I just need to get downstairs. I need to find her.”

Diana exited on the second floor and Abby was relieved not to see anyone else waiting outside the doors as they opened. When the elevator began its descent once more, Abby scrolled to Raven’s number and pressed her thumb against it before pressing the phone to her ear.

The familiar sound of Raven’s recorded message washed over her as the doors opened to the Emergency Department. Abby took a moment to compose herself, wiping a clammy hand down her shirt before striding towards the front desk.

“Can anyone tell me about a woman named Raven Reyes who was possibly brought in earlier today?” Abby spoke above the habitual din of the Lower Ground floor, eyes scanning the doctor, two nurses, and admin staff as she spoke.

“Reyes? Is that the one with the long dark hair?”

“The one they pulled from the-”

“Maybe. There’s no listed next of kin, is that the one where we had to call-”

“No that was the other one.”

“Did they call her down here because of the prosthetic?”

“-the Reyes woman doesn’t have a prosthetic.”

“Was it the ribs? I think she’s out of surgery now-”

“Would you all just _shut up_ for a minute?” Abby interrupted the debate and five pairs of eyes turned to her, wide with alarm. “Raven Reyes has long dark hair _and_ a prosthetic leg. I haven’t been called down, she’s a… I don’t know the extent of her injuries but I need you to tell me where she is.” Abby’s voice was firm and she received a sharp nod from one of the nurses who placed a hand to Abby’s her lower back and ushered her through the electronic doors behind them.

“She’ll be the ICU now, Doctor. I don’t have details but she was in an accident-”

Abby’s blood ran cold. An accident. She could see the nurse’s mouth still moving as they walked side by side, but she couldn’t make out a word he was saying.

“-and when they brought her in she was-”

“-I think it’s a few broken ribs and-”

“-I’m sorry I can’t be of more help.”

The nurse stood with Abby at the doors to the ICU, his brow furrowed as he looked on in concern.

“Are you going to be okay, Doctor Griffin?”

Abby nodded taking a deep breath. The young man hesitated before walking away. Puffing out her cheeks, she exhaled slowly, her mind reeling with possibilities and worst case scenarios. Swiping the card which hung from the retractable clip on her belt, Abby pushed her shoulders back and turned her phone over and over in her hand as she walked down the corridor.

Forcing her mouth into a tight lipped smile, she greeted one of the nurses with a nod and surveyed the room. The beeping of the machines upped her heart rate in a way she hadn’t experienced in years. Jake.

Abby wanted to call Clarke and turned her phone over in her hands again only to notice a missed call from the same number which had called earlier. Gina.

Abby couldn’t call until she knew what was going on and how Raven was. Abby walked from patient to patient, looking over each one and glancing at the charts at the foot of each bed. There were three women with long hair, faces obscured by masks, tubes attached to their bodies, each one causing Abby’s heart to leap into her throat before a warm flood of relief overtook her. None of them had dark hair.

Abby passed two more patients before she came to the foot of a bed in which long dark hair was strewn messily on the pillow below. Every beep of the machines beside the patient worked their way inside Abby causing her insides to jolt in the way she was frequently pulled from dreams in the early moments of sleep.

Abby stared trying to look at Raven properly, beyond the bandages which wrapped around her head and cuts which covered her face below the oxygen mask. Her skin was pale, and Abby wanted to shake her awake, wanted to see her eyes, wanted to hear her saying something. Anything.

Abby reached down to pick up the chart at the foot of the bed. It shook in her hands and she turned to look around, hoping to signal one of the nurses, hoping anyone would come to speak with her to tell her Raven would be okay.

Glancing down at the chart, Abby scanned the patient information and frowned. She read the words over and over again before reaching for the thin sheet covering the women in front of her and lifting one corner.

Two pale legs, each covered in cuts and bruises rested against the bed.

_Raena Ramirez_

Abby felt sick to her stomach. Doubling over she dropped the patient’s chart, the plastic clattering to the floor, and pressed her hands to her knees, staring at the linoleum.

“Doctor? Abby, are you okay?”

Abby felt Jackson’s hands pull her up to standing before she registered who he was. He held onto her arm once she was upright and she gripped onto him to steady herself for a moment.

“Emergency told me it was Raven. They told me she’d had surgery. That’s not her.” Abby’s words were thick in the back of her throat and she felt light headed, the relief she should have felt unable to circulate when she still didn’t know where Raven was.

“What do you mean, Abby? Why would she be here?” Jackson stood in front of her now, hands on her shoulders, his stare unwavering. Jackson knew about Raven like he knew how Abby drank her coffee. 

“There was an accident and she was brought in, but nobody seems to know what’s going on. This isn’t her. They told me she was out of surgery, but this isn’t her.” Abby knew she was rambling. If she had been standing on her own she was sure the panic would have overtaken her, but something about the expression on Jackson’s face, his calm demeanor, made something settle inside her.

“Are you busy? Could you come with me? I don’t think I can handle seeing her if she’s lying somewhere else looking like this, or worse.” Abby felt an overwhelming surge of loneliness at the thought. Jackson was the one person she had worked most closely with in the three years she’d been at the hospital. She had few friends in the city who hadn’t been Ontari’s friends first and, besides Raven, everyone else she loved was in Boston.

“Of course. I was just about to finish up for the day but I saw you heading this way and came to check up on you. I’m glad I did.” Jackson smiled, his eyes full of concern as he released his grip and put a hand against her shoulder to turn her around. “Let’s go back to Emergency. Let’s start there.”

As the two passed through the same corridors at twice the speed Abby had before, Abby felt anger overtake the other feelings which overwhelmed her and could no longer keep any of them contained when she saw the same five people at the front desk upon her arrival.

“What kind of _incompetent_ operation are you running down here?”

“Abby-” Jackson placed a hand to her shoulder but Abby shrugged him off.

“How hard is it to keep track of your patients?” It was rare for Abby to raise her voice. Her throat felt as though she had swallowed a flame.

“Abby, you need to stop.” Jackson interrupted her again, but she ignored him.

“I need you to locate Raven Reyes. _Doctor_ Raven Reyes. She is _not_ in recovery. Has she had surgery or not? What are the extent of her injuries? I need that information now-”

“Abby?” This time it wasn’t Jackson who interrupted her.

“Abby, what the hell?” The familiar voice shocked her, the sound a harsh echo of her own angry tone.

Abby flinched at the feeling of a hand on her shoulder once more, but felt each of her emotions pressing at the backs of her eyes as she looked to see Raven standing beside her.

“Abby, why are you here? What’s all this about?” Raven’s eyes flashed with confusion and something else Abby couldn’t make out. Disappointment? It was not something she’d ever wanted to see reflected back at her from the woman again.

Abby felt cold settling in her spine and spreading throughout her body. She willed it to reach her cheeks which burned the way her throat did. She wanted to reach out and collect every word she had roared. She wanted to backtrack. She wanted to disappear. 

“They told me you’d been in an accident.” Abby’s voice was smaller, barely carrying the distance between them. She swallowed and felt her chin twitch as tears filled her eyes. She was determined the keep them from falling.

Raven’s face fell. Abby didn’t need to say anything more for Raven to understand the magnitude of her reaction. Raven’s features mirrored Jackson’s and Abby found herself reaching out both hands to hold onto Raven as she surveyed her from head to toe. Her left hand was bandaged, but besides that there appeared to be no other obvious signs of injury.

A sob left her as Raven pulled her into a tight embrace.

“Why haven’t you been answering your phone?” Abby pulled away from Raven’s grasp and wiped a finger under each eye as she tried to compose herself in front of the unwanted audience.

“It died on me, I forgot to pack a charger.” Raven’s shrug was apologetic and wasn’t accompanied by the familiar smirk Abby knew so well. Raven understood the enormity of the situation.

Unlocking her phone, Abby thrust hers at Raven.

“You need to call Gina. She’s worried.” Abby turned and left Raven standing at the front desk. She needed to give her privacy to make the call, but she also needed to be well away from the prying eyes of the staff she had yelled at. The reprimand hadn’t been unnecessary, but her manner had been completely unprofessional and Abby was ashamed of the scene she had caused.

There were separate waiting rooms off the central seating area in the department, and Abby pushed one of the doors open, taking a seat in the nearest chair and hanging her head.

“-thank you. I appreciate that, G. Yep, will do. Okay, you too.” Raven ended the call and squatted down in front of Abby, tapping the phone against Abby’s thigh to get her attention.

“Hey, I’m so sorry I reacted that way before. I wasn't expecting to see you. I’m sorry I gave you a scare. I had no idea they would even call G, let alone get you roped into this. It didn’t even occur to me.”

Abby looked up to see Raven smiling, although the lines around her mouth were still filled with the same concern Abby could see in her eyes.

“It’s not your fault, Raven. You don’t have anything to apologise for. They should’ve been keeping better tabs on all the patients, but I overreacted.” Abby swallowed against the scratch of sandpaper in the back of her throat.

Raven moved from her position in front of Abby to the chair beside her. Abby could see her shift, not knowing what to do with her body, not knowing how fix things or comfort Abby when they were what they were to each other. Nothing with any particular name. Nothing, and so much more.

Raven settled for mimicking Abby’s position, elbows resting against her knees, head down. When she bumped Abby’s shoulder with her own, Abby maintained her gaze, looking straight ahead, but let relief overtake her features. Raven was okay.

They sat together in silence through the wailing of small children and the increasing sound of sirens as ambulances neared the hospital. They sat through a family joining them in the room and leaving some time later. Abby didn’t count the minutes. There were too many for silence and not enough for being with Raven, but the last time they’d spoken she’d crossed a line and she didn’t want to do that again. She couldn’t do that to Gina, and she couldn’t put Raven in that position.

“You never asked me what I did.” Raven stretched out her arm, placing it in Abby’s line of sight and Abby took a moment to straighten up, sitting back in her chair. “I’m working at Polis University for the next couple of days. I was checking out their new prototype which was suspended on a hoist. I guess I was standing too close because one of the new grads tripped on something and stopped himself from falling by grabbing the bench and it released. Kyle caught it, but one end landed against my hand. Two broken fingers.” Raven held them up and shook her head.

“I suppose it’s lucky it wasn’t your right hand.” Abby turned and rested her arm against the back of Raven’s seat, but blushed when she saw a smirk forming on Raven’s features. “I wasn’t, I didn’t, I just mean you can still work with your right.” Abby felt her cheeks burning further under Raven’s gaze. She was sure the coloring would be permanent after the day she’d had.

“It’s okay Abs. I _am_ lucky it wasn’t my right. I’d be on a plane tonight if it was. I’d be useless trying to work with only my left hand, and I’d be pissed having to dole out orders instead of doing the work myself, you know?” She smiled.

“I do know.” Abby nodded and turned her body to face Raven fully.

She didn’t have the words to explain that she wasn’t ready to let Raven out of her sight yet. That the feeling wasn’t one of possession, but of balance. Being near Raven was a need, not a want, and while Abby was painfully aware that nothing could exist between them the way it once had, she’d been thrown by the weight of her concern and she knew time was the only thing which would steady her. Abby didn’t know how to say that just sitting beside Raven was enough to make her heart feel as though it was resting in the right place inside her chest again, it was enough make the ground feel solid beneath her.

“Look, Abby, my day has been a little haywire and I have a dinner tonight and I-”

“I don’t know how to let you go.” Abby interrupted Raven and immediately covered her mouth. Closing her eyes, she shook her head and was grateful for Raven’s patience when she opened them again to see her waiting. “I don’t mean for that to sound any bigger than it is. I’m not talking generally, I just mean right now. I don’t know how to let you walk out of here after the way the past two hours have felt. I don’t want to cross a line, Raven. I don’t want anything more right now than to just be in the same space as you, you know?” Abby rested her head against her hand and stared at her lap unable to look Raven in the eye. She hadn’t meant to make the situation awkward again.

Raven dipped her head to catch Abby’s gaze and tapped her fingers against Abby’s arm to draw her attention back.

“I do know. I get it Abs. I wasn’t going to tell you I was here this week. I didn’t see how it would help things, but I get it. I get it and I don’t feel right just leaving you like this.” Raven ran a hand through her hair and pressed her lips together. “Why don’t you come to dinner with me tonight?”

Abby opened her mouth, but didn’t know what to say in response.

“I’m meeting Nyko and Indra, they’re the project officers I’m going to be working with, and Indra is the head of Mech-E at Polis U. Her husband is coming too, I think. It won’t be weird for you to be there. They’re all academics, you’ll fit right in, and that way you can have a drink and relax and forget about the day. What do you think?” Raven’s hand was still resting against Abby’s arm and Abby clenched her jaw, conscious not to read anything into it.

“Okay.” Abby smiled and told herself she wasn’t doing anything wrong by accepting the invitation. She was having dinner with a group of academics. She wasn’t in Gina’s space and she had no intention of letting her feelings ruin the evening. She bit down on the inside of her cheek and made a mental note not to drink too much.

 

* * *

 

They met at a restaurant a couple of blocks from Abby’s apartment. Abby hadn’t dressed up, but the leather jacket and boots with her skinny jeans were still a far cry from the dress pants and sensible shoes she wore to work. With enough time to shower and wash her hair before meeting Raven, Abby had decided to leave it out, enjoying the feeling of it bouncing around her shoulders as she walked.

Raven required very little effort to look stunning, and Abby was grateful when Raven held the door to the restaurant open for her and she could walk in ahead. She didn’t want to get caught staring if Raven had walked in first.

They arrived before Raven’s colleagues and ordered drinks at the bar. Talk came easily. The music, the people, and the traffic sounds outside meant neither of them needed to think beyond the moment they were in. Abby couldn’t afford to. Raven tapped her foot to the beat of a song which was loud enough to make them raise their voices to be heard, but not loud enough that they had to sit forward, invading each other’s space.

Abby spotted a man approaching them, an imposing figure with soft features. Placing a finger to his lips he winked at Abby and reached to cover Raven’s eyes with his hands. Raven jumped, slapping at his hands as a wide grin overtook her face. Abby couldn't help but smile at the look of mischief and amusement which was plastered across the man’s face. His dark hair continued into a wild beard and as he turned to look from Raven to Abby and back again, Abby noticed an architectural blueprint of a nautilus shell tattooed on his neck, just below his left ear.

“Raven. It’s so good to see you again, come here.” Nyko grabbed Raven’s hand, helping her from the bar stool before pulling her into a tight hug. Raven was dwarfed by his huge form and when the two separated, he turned back toward Abby, grinning.  

“And you must be Gina. It’s so lovely to finally meet Raven’s beautiful fiancé.” Nyko leaned forward and placed a kiss to Abby’s cheek before she could process what he’d said.

“I’m not-”

“We're not-”

Abby and Raven went to speak at the same time and looked at each other. Nyko glanced from one to the other, lines creasing his forehead.

“Nyko, this is Abby, Abby Griffin.” Raven looked at Abby wide eyed before continuing. “And Abby, this is Nyko Forrester. We met through Anya years ago and this is the third time we’ve collaborated on a project together.”

Nyko took Abby’s hand in his and gave it a firm shake, his brow still furrowed.

“Well it’s wonderful to meet you, Abby. I’m sorry for the confusion, but I’m sure I’ve seen pictures of the two of you together. Were you at the engagement party?” He looked from Raven to Abby once more. “You’re definitely in some of the pictures I’ve seen on Raven’s Instagram.”

Abby wasn’t sure how to respond and was relieved when Raven did so on her behalf.

“Um, I guess Gina and Abby have similar hair-” she shrugged her shoulders, “- so perhaps that's why you’re confused, but Abby wasn’t at the engagement party.” Raven cringed but looked at Abby, appealing for her help.

“You would have no doubt seen photos of Raven and I together at some point though, you see,” Abby tried to keep her tone light and hoped her next comment wouldn’t create any tension, “-Raven and I were an item for a few years some time ago.”

Raven laughed and Abby shot her an exasperate glance. “What?”

“An _item_? Really? I don’t think I ever heard you refer to us as that.” She laughed again and Abby puffed out an exaggerated sigh.

Nyko grinned at the two of them before showing them to their table on the other side of the room. Abby draped her jacket over the back of her chair, taking a seat beside Raven. Nyko reached across the table and filled their water glasses from the carafe on the table and Abby took as sip as Indra and her husband arrived.

Raven stood to embrace the couple and Abby found herself staring at Indra’s husband, certain she recognised him. Nyko stood to place a kiss to Indra’s and cheek and he shook Marcus’s hand before Marcus turned to Abby. A similar confusion appeared to overtake his features, and he smiled at her as he waited for Raven to introduce them.

“Abby, this is Indra Waters, Head of Mech-E at Polis U, and this is her husband Marcus Kane.”

Abby shook Indra’s hand and turned back towards Marcus.

“Abby? As in Abigail Griffin?” His face lit up in recognition, but Abby still couldn’t make the connection.

“Yes. We’ve met before, haven’t we? I’m sorry I can’t place where I know you from.” The two sat back down and Abby waited for Marcus to fill in the blanks.

“I worked with your late husband, Jake.” Marcus’s expression was one part delight and two parts compassion, and Abby felt an odd emptiness overtake her as she looked at the man.

She could see him clearly now, the memory of him dressed in a suit offering his condolences to herself and Clarke the day of Jake’s funeral. “Of course.”

Abby felt Raven’s hand come to settle against her knee and for an instant she thought she might pass out at the two strains of loss which collided inside her. Raven must have sensed her stiffen under the touch. Pulling her hand back to her own lap she angled her head to whisper to Abby. “Are you okay?”

Abby nodded, grabbing her water glass and taking a long sip, the cool water a distraction from the surprise of having Jake on her mind yet again.

It didn’t take long for the group to fall into easy conversation, Indra surprisingly amusing despite her stern features. Abby and Nyko talked about Anya, and Abby attempted to explain how there was yet another layer of connection when she discovered Nyko also knew Lexa.

“So, let me get this straight. You used to date Raven, who is Anya’s closest friend.” Abby nodded and noticed everyone was paying attention to Nyko as he fitted each of the puzzle pieces together. “And, at some point your daughter came home from college and Lexa happened to be living with Anya at the time, and the two of them just hit it off?”

Raven laughed and Abby gave her a backhanded slap on the shoulder.

“Hit it off probably isn’t the most accurate description of Clarke and Lexa’s start. Clarke was a bit-”

“A bit of a princess.” Raven interjected and Abby rolled her eyes.

“I guess they were just from completely different worlds, and Clarke was taken with Lexa immediately, but was shocked to find she had a baby and had recently lost her wife. Lexa was understandably reluctant to begin a new relationship, so it was a rocky start, but they’ve been married almost three years now.”

Raven turned to Abby, her gaze lingering as if there was something she couldn’t find the words to say. Abby wanted to ask. She wanted to tell her to say whatever was on her mind, but she was conscious of not wanting to push the boundaries again.

The conversation moved on around them and for the first time in months Abby didn’t feel lonely. She laughed with Raven and listened to the others talk about work while sharing some of her own stories too. Abby found herself disappointed when they night drew to a close, thinking that if she’d met any of the three in any other setting they would have hit it off even without Raven as their anchor.

Before they parted, Nyko invited Abby to join him at a function the following week claiming that Thelonius Jaha had been vying for an invite for the past two years and would be highly impressed if she were to attend. Abby accepted and was grateful to have something to look forward to.

Raven’s hotel was one block from the restaurant, in the opposite direction to Abby’s apartment, but she offered to walk Raven home, giving them a few more moments to chat. They talked in a roundabout fashion, avoiding personal as much as possible, and when they walked into the lobby of Raven’s hotel, Abby did her best to mask the sinking feeling in her chest. There had been too much good in their night for her to regret the decision to spend time with Raven, but that didn’t mean she wouldn’t be disappointed it was over.

Raven pulled her into a tight hug as she had at the airport a couple of weeks before, and Abby resisted the urge to turn her head and bury her face against Raven’s neck. Pulling away, Raven kept her right hand against Abby’s arm, her left elevated against her chest to quell the throbbing in her fingers.

“I’m still not sure what to do with us, Abs. But I’m thinking about it, okay? I’m thinking about it.” Raven rubbed her hand against Abby’s arm before turning to walk towards the elevators.

“I’ll see you when I see you.” Raven sent a wink Abby’s way, and all she could do was nod as the distance between them grew yet again.

“Okay.” Abby whispered.

Turning, Abby walked out of the hotel and into the street. The lights and sounds of the city undulated around her as she walked the three blocks back to her apartment. Pressing a hand to her chest she considered for a moment that maybe her heart wasn’t breaking this time, maybe the thing shifting inside her was actually her heart making way for something new.

Everything about Raven had always been second nature to Abby, and as she strolled the concrete sidewalks she thought that perhaps the fences she’d erected around the sadness in her heart were being broken from the bottom now.

Perhaps they were being shattered by the roots of something which had been planted a long time ago. Perhaps she would be okay.


	5. Where Angels Turned

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this has taken so long. Too many fics, too many distractions (too many excuses).  
> A big thank you to my beta KJ :)

If someone had suggested to Abby a week ago that she’d be standing on Anya’s porch, the collar of her jacket pulled up high to combat the chill in the night air, not one part of it would have made any sense.

She hovered to the left of the beam from the porch light above her, standing for a moment in the shadows, as if allowing her form to be illuminated against the night was her decision made. Abby didn’t feel entitled to knock on the door. She’d outstayed her welcome on one porch already. She didn’t need anyone else to point out that she was being selfish. It’s all she’d been for weeks now. There was no winning, there, for anyone.

Abby had stood in the shadows of the very same porch light the first time Raven had kissed her.

_The noise from people fixing drinks inside, and glass bottles tapping together as people sat around the pit fire out the back, filtered through the air and were carried away on the breeze. Abby heard nothing besides the sound of her heart beating in her ears as it kept time, kept time, kept time with Raven’s whispered words. If Abby hadn’t known better she would have thought Raven had planned that speech, but when the woman before her pulled in portions of their evening, spoke verses about the way Abby’s hand had felt in hers as they sat among her friends, Abby was in awe._

_She hadn’t done a fourth of July like that since Jake. For so long it had been one more date on the calendar, one more that passed as a first without him and made her want hide away to avoid it year after year. Clarke spent the 4 th with her friends after their first as a pair. They drifted on dates which held different memories for each of them and came together when the same version of him was one they needed to remember through the fear of forgetting which comes with time. Those memories were richer when they were paired somehow, heavier, thicker, more able to withstand the pull._

_This time, though, this time was the first time Abby had recognised the sensation of excitement building in her veins at the thought of fireworks in years. In truth, the explosions in the air, the echoes which reverberated around the sky, had nothing on the feelings inside her chest._

_Their first date had ended with a kiss on the cheek, Raven’s head still beside Abby’s for the longest time after lips had left her skin. Raven was waiting for Abby to turn her head. She was waiting for Abby to say more was what she wanted and Abby wanted more, she wanted so much more, but she was overwhelmed by butterflies she hadn’t felt in decades. A first kiss is fine when you’re sixteen and every moment feels like the only one you’ll ever have. A first kiss is fine when you’ve both been drinking and you’re both drawn to the smell of liquor on the other’s breath and can lie to yourself that you weren’t in control if things didn’t work out._

_Abby didn’t turn her head that first night. She reached out her hands to Raven instead, linked their fingers in something which resembled a promise, something which said maybe next time. But it was more than maybe. It was an absolute. And Raven smiled like she would hold Abby to it, like she’d heard the promise the way you hear a breeze - only because it rustles the leaves of the trees around you._

_So when Raven kissed her a week later, her face shadowed by the porch light out the front of the house she shared with Anya, Abby felt more alive than she had in years. The explosions in the sky resounded inside her chest, her blood surging through her body like the colours did into the night._

With the memory thick in the back of her throat, her arms empty this time, and the silence of the night deafening by comparison, Abby took a step forward, raised her hand, and rapped her knuckles against Anya’s front door.

 

* * *

 

Abby had spent a week tying firsts to lasts. She celebrated Jackson winning his new position, the one she had relinquished to move back home. She laughed with their colleagues, and raised her glass in a toast to the man she had hoped would fill her shoes. She wore her favorite black dress, the one which swished around her thighs as she danced, and she left the bar with sore feet and a grin on her face which rivaled any she’d allowed in months.

She spent the week putting the last of her things into boxes which were small enough for her and Clarke to carry together. The truck they’d hired to drive what would be the final few hours, the last in the months Abby had been trying to get back home, was something they’d planned as Aden slept on Lexa’s lap across from them. All week Abby pictured her little family like a light at the end of a three year tunnel and she distracted herself from every stray thought which led to Raven.

Abby’s meeting with Ontari’s brother saw her signature finalising their separation. That Roan had ordered Abby’s coffee by the time she reached the café, that he’d know exactly how she liked it, broke her heart in a way which was entirely unfamiliar, a way she had not expected among the shift and change of her life in the past few weeks. It knocked her back a step, pulled her from her high of focusing on _what ifs_ rather than _could have beens_. It was one more notch in the pillar of her mistakes. It was one more mark and one more loss.

“Have you spoken to her at all?” Roan stirred sugar into his cup as Abby capped the pen and pushed the papers toward him.

“Ontari?”

“Raven.” He licked foam from his lips, lowering the drink back to the table, his expression teetering between concern and disappointment. It was a battle Abby understood well. She had seen it on the faces of Clarke and Lexa. She had felt it on her own and seen it replicated in every mirror she’d dared to look at for the past three months. Abby told herself she’d heard it in Callie’s voice when she finally told her best friend of the mistakes which she had lined up and let snake around her for years before she flicked her finger and watched each of them fall in succession. Abby knew the to and fro. It was all she could do most days just to stand still.

Nodding her head, Abby sipped her own drink. She held the mug between her hands, the porcelain burning just enough to make her skin uncomfortable. “I have.”

“And?” He raised an eyebrow at the question, his left just as his sister would do, though the scar over his brow changed the shape of the lines which formed cross his skin.

“And nothing. She’s getting married this weekend, moving away shortly after. I didn’t end things with Ontari because of Raven, I ended it because of me. Even if I’d known for sure that Raven and I didn’t have a chance, Ontari still deserved better. Deserves.” Abby swallowed the realisation that they had been doomed from day one. Ontari hadn’t stood a chance against the memories of her relationship with Raven. No chance at all. She cleared her throat. “I have a history of having made terrible decisions, Roan. The domino effect of that meant everyone around me getting hurt. I didn’t ever mean for that to happen.” Abby shrugged.

He left her on the sidewalk and hour later with a hug she didn’t feel she was entitled to. He held on for longer than he had any embrace they’d shared in the past couple of years. He held on like letting go was letting go, something none of them knew how to do. It felt like Ontari leaving all over again, like the image Abby couldn’t shake of her ex standing at the door of their apartment gripping the handle of a suitcase which held all of the most important things she couldn’t leave for one more night in the space in which Abby would remain.

_“I do love you, you know.”_

_“Yes, but you’re not in love with me, are you?”_

It felt like that again to see Roan walk away, the two of them speechless in defeat.

 

* * *

 

Abby was halfway to knocking again when Anya’s voice hit the door before her hand did.

“You have your own key for a reason, Rave-”

Anya couldn’t have hidden her disapproval if she’d tried. Abby had expected this. She’d spend the cab ride from Gina’s loathing herself for running at Nyko’s revelation at the gala. She’d spent the train ride from Penn Station cursing herself for even buying the ticket, but she had to know that he was right about the wedding being called off. She had to know if she was the reason why.

“You really shouldn’t be here, Abby.” Anya folded her arms across her chest and Abby was surprised that there was no malice in Anya’s tone despite the look on her face. Anya leant against the frame, one foot holding the door so the evening breeze couldn’t sweep inside.

They hadn’t seen each other in three years. Anya was Raven’s. She was one of the few things in the world which always had been, one of the only people Raven had always had in her corner. When Abby left she’d half expected Anya to follow through on her _If you hurt her…_ threat, the one any brother/sister/best friend gets one chance to make their point with. Anya made her point that day, but when the call never came, when there was no visit, Abby didn’t know what to make of it. She could only imagine Anya had respected Raven’s wishes to stay out of it.

“I had to know, Anya. This is it. If this is nothing. If she can look me in the eye and say there’s nothing there, that there’s no chance, then I walk away once and for all. I just had to know.” Abby’s hands were by her sides despite the way she fought the urge to clasp them, to plead with Anya to let her see Raven. “Is she here, Gina said-”

“Jesus, Abby. Gina doesn’t need this shit. You talked to her?”

“I went over there.”

“Fuck. God, she’ll be home soon. Just come in.” She moved aside to allow Abby to move past her into the living area. “But if she asks you to leave and you even dare to take a breath before you reach the door I’ll-”

“I’ll be gone before the words are even out of her mouth, I promise.”

Anya gestured to the couch and Abby removed the bag which had been slung across her shoulder and placed it on the ground. She wrestled herself out of her jacket before sitting down, folding it across her lap and holding it like a shield against each of the words she was afraid to hear. Anya returned from the kitchen with two glasses and handed one to Abby before taking a seat on the opposite couch. Abby didn’t hesitate before knocking back the contents of the glass, the scotch burning on its way down.

“So that’s where we’re at?” Anya raised an eyebrow, something like amusement dancing around the other conflicted emotions Abby could see across the woman’s face.

“That’s where we’re at.”

“You know, Abby, I spent months arguing with you in my head back then. Months where my fingers would hover over your number on my phone and the only thing stopping me from giving it to you from both barrels was the look on Raven’s face each time I told her what I thought.” Anya pressed her glass to her lips, inhaling the smell of the liquor before shaking her head and tossing it all back as Abby had done. Her glass met the wooden coffee table with a thud. “Fuck it.”

Abby watched Anya hang her head, elbows pressing against her knees. Linking her fingers together in front of her, she looked up at Abby and held her gaze for longer than was comfortable for either of them. Abby wanted to look away, hell, she wanted to get up and leave rather than hear what Anya was building to throw her way, but she pressed her feet flat to the floor and mimicked Anya’s pose.

“You know Raven and I have known each other forever. This is the girl who didn’t do relationships because she didn’t want to know whether they’d stick around the next day. She set her sights on someone and was gone before they could leave her in the morning. She did work, she did a small handful of friendships and she did sex, Abby. When she told me about the woman from work, the one with the eyes, I didn’t know anything different was on the cards. She just talked about your looks to begin with, then she talked about your research and how much she admired your work. I should have done something then, I should have stepped in and suggested she buy a plant or a goldfish or whatever it is in how those things go, because nothing could have prepared her for you.”

And Abby tried to decide when she’d become such a masochist because hearing about their start, hearing about it from someone who knew Raven so well, hurt in the best kind of way.

“She was giddy with something I wasn’t used to seeing when you agreed to go out with her, and she went from telling me she probably wouldn’t be home that night, that cocky fucing smirk she used to wear, to rocking up at 1am with stars in her eyes, and sitting on the end of my bed to tell me fifty things about you she was amazed by. You don’t leave a girl like that, Abby. You just don’t.”

And there it was.

That was the smack in the face which was three years in the making and it stung like it should have. Anya pressed her lips together as if she couldn’t decide whether to start yelling or whether the words she’d already bothered with were too little too late.

Abby swallowed the bitter taste of the excuses which rested on the back of her tongue like pills which don’t disappear the first time, like she was fighting a losing battle trying to keep them down.

“Did Raven ever tell you all my grandparents died in August?” She barely recognised her own voice.

Anya narrowed her eyes, a creased forming between her brows as she waited for Abby to elaborate.

“There were years, decades between their deaths, but they all died in August. It’s hard not to feel superstitious about death when things like that happen. My father and his father both died of heart attacks at 46, that I have a year on them right now astounds me, but I think surviving that helped me see how stupid it is to worry about things which may never happen, things which would be entirely out of my control if they did.”

“So it was about your husband and Costia? You broke up with Rae because you thought she’d die in a car accident if you married her?”

“It was more than that. We’d talked about having kids too-”

“I know.”

“It sounds stupid to you, I’m sure. To everyone maybe, but the anniversaries of their deaths are close and both Lexa and Costia and Jake and I had been married for a little over year when each of them died.”

“But Clarke was a teenager, right? I figured you guys had been married 15 or 20 years by then.”

Abby shook her head.

“I’d always said I didn’t believe in marriage. I was a stubborn thing and didn’t want to take Jake’s name, but when my mother died Jake and Clarke were the only family I had left and I wanted us to be this one strong thing, you know?” Abby clenched her jaw to prevent tears from falling. Now wasn’t the time. “I wanted to be a Griffin, I wanted Jake to know he had always been more than a partner. I wanted him to know he was a part of me just as Clarke was. I wanted the world to know it. So I asked him to marry me. He was killed thirteen months later.”

Anya leaned forward and turned the empty glass on the corner of the table. She stared at Abby as if trying to fathom how any of that allowed her to break Raven’s heart the way she did. Anya’s brow was furrowed as though Abby was an equation to be solved, but none of it was going to add up.

The sound of keys interrupted the silence and caused them both to stiffen, to sit a little straighter, raise their eyebrows. Anya looked past Abby towards the front door and Abby turned her head to see Raven, exhausted and favouring her good leg as she struggled with several bags. Setting them down by the door, Raven eyes glossed over the scene before her as if she hoped it would change shape, morph into something different if she turned away. She closed the front door, taking her time as though it were a slow motion sequence in an action movie, as though she could slip back through the crack at the last moment if the air in the room became toxic.

“What are you doing here, Abby?” The sadness in Raven’s voice found its way inside Abby’s chest, and Abby pressed a hand against the feeling of it twisting, embedding itself, taking root.

Anya was on her feet, hands raised in defence of having allowed Abby to invade their space.

“Just say the word, Rae, if you want her to leave she leaves right now.”

Abby had never felt so undeserving of a chance in her life and she gripped the jacket in her lap as she shifted to the edge of the couch poised to stand and walk directly to the door.

Raven took another step into the room and looked between Anya and Abby. Abby couldn’t watch her debate her options. She focussed her gaze just past Raven’s head, just a little to the right, staring at the door as though keeping it in her sights would make the journey an easier one if she were forced to leave.

“No, it’s fine.” Abby looked up to see Raven staring directly at her. “You can stay.”

 

* * *

 

On the way back to her apartment the day before, Roan’s wordless goodbye had Abby wrapping her arms around her body to stem the chill seeping into her bones. The day had been mild. The cold was starting from the inside.

She picked up her dress from the dry cleaners, the same one she’d worn to Jackson’s drinks the weekend before, the only one which wasn’t packed into a box small enough for her and Clarke to carry with ease.

Abby had been looking forward to the evening for a week. Abby had been looking forward. She let a bitter laugh escape her lips as she grabbed her earrings from the edge of the sink in her bathroom. Purse under her arms, she slipped her feet into the only pair of heels which had yet to be packed as she fixed her earrings. She needed to snap out of it lest she make a bad impression and have Nyko regret extending an invitation for her to join his table. The Polis University Annual Charity Gala saw many medical professionals invited as guests each year and those not on the list were required to pay through the nose to secure a table. Thelonius Jaha waited with baited breath for an invite year after year, but was never willing to part with his money in order to get his foot in the door.

Once there, once she was mingling and had found the place marker with her name in cursive lettering, it was only about fifteen minutes before she started to feel the alcohol take a hold of her body. Nyko’s welcoming embrace had included the first of many free drinks for the evening and Abby accepted it with all the enthusiasm of someone whose sorrows were too stubborn to drown. But, god, it was worth a try.

It started in her thighs. It always did. They began to feel heavy, anchoring her to the seat beside Indra and then, gradually, as if she was lowering herself into a warm bath, Abby felt it travel through her lower back. It relaxed the muscles there and continued upward into her shoulders. The feeling there was every bit the same as the one she remembered after having removed a heavy pack at the conclusion of hours spent walking. When it reached her neck, only a few minutes later, she knew her head was next, a pleasant weight settling in her temples and numbing her just enough so that the negativity she’d been sucking in through every breath wasn’t quite as sharp. Any other time all of the lovely in the whole of the world would have grown a little brighter. This time the drinks merely erased some of the grey which framed her evening.

It was Indra who brought it up, talking over Abby to Nyko to ask when the wedding was supposed to be. Abby didn’t register at first. She thought they were talking in different terms, thought the conversation was about the specifics of the weekend ahead. She downed another glass of champagne before she registered the tone of Marcus’ voice as he clarified Nyko’s last statement.

“So they broke up weeks ago? But she didn’t mention anything last week.”

“I know, she phoned me to get the details of the grad I introduced her to when we went to The Ark, and when I said he was I the process of moving she sympathised. When I pressed she explained it had been a few weeks.”

A few weeks.

It had been three since Abby had sat on Raven’s porch and admitted her greatest mistakes Three weeks since she spread her regrets before her and tied them together with apologies before Raven took one look at the house she shared with her fiancé and told her to put the words back in their place.

A few weeks.

It was a few years, then, since she’d pulled her life apart at the seams and Abby ignored the conversation around her, she looked through the crowd, past the MC who stood on the dais at the front of the hall, past everything until she could see the five years she knew so well playing out before her eyes.

Just like the day they met, Raven had spent five years challenging her, questioning her, making her think around the edges of her assumptions and pull more from the science, pull more from her relationships, pull more from life. Raven had made her more. She did it from the other side of the conference table with a smile in front of the team, she did it across the kitchen table with a smirk and she did it in bed with her lips against Abby’s forehead. She made Abby more, and Abby repaid her by walking out the door when Raven deserved nothing less than a yes and a guarantee she shouldn’t have had to work for like the piece of paper framed in her office. Raven deserved happy.

Raven had let her believe in magic like the type she experienced when Clarke was born. She let her believe like a kid tries to stay up waiting for Santa and falling asleep with a smile on their face, none the wiser. Abby had never known somebody to have spent so much of their life so broken and be able to see beauty the way Raven did. That was when she knew she was done for.

When Raven kissed the newsprint on her finger tips on Sunday mornings, when Raven swiped her index finger down the center of Aden’s forehead, stopping at the tip of his nose before kissing it, when Raven opened a window or stepped outside for the first time on any given day and breathed in so fully and completely like the air of that day would define what happened within its hours, breathed in until her lungs were full of its magic and held it in, cheeks bursting and exhaled gradually through a smile. Yeah. That’s what when she knew.

Not being around that made time stretch differently around her. Not having Raven’s lips at her shoulder to start her day was the thing she thought of most often when Ontari would wake before her and pad out to the kitchen to make her coffee. She would sneak back in regardless of whether Abby was awake, she started days quietly, with her own brand of reverence and sat Abby’s coffee on the nightstand as she sat herself on the bed, running her fingers through Abby’s hair. That routine would be someone else’s perfect one day and Abby pressed her hand to her chest to hold together the pieces of her heart which broke at the comparison, which broke that Ontari would never have been enough.

Abby excused herself from the table then. She stood while the three were still contemplating the cause of the break up, the reason Raven and Gina would have called it off. Not once was someone else mentioned. Not once did they consider that someone’s words had wormed their way between the promises the two had made, and Abby felt ill as she stepped out into the cold night air. She wanted to be the reason. And she hated that she might be.

She hailed a cab, barked her address. Her earrings were in her hand by the time she paid the driver, her heels hanging from her finger tips as she stepped off the elevator, and the black dress, the one she hadn’t enjoyed like she had the week before, was on the floor beside a box marked DONATE seconds after she had closed the front door.

Abby fell asleep with her laptop open on the bed beside her with the same tunnel vision she’d had for weeks represented by the open tabs along the top of her screen. Home. Home. Home.

 

* * *

 

“I’m going to go for a drive.” Anya stood and walked over to Raven placing a hand on her hip. “If you need anything you call and I’m straight back here, okay, unless you want me to stay?” She’d lowered her voice, but not enough that Abby couldn’t still hear every word which passed between them.

“Thank you, we won’t be long. I’ll call you when we’re done.”

Abby winced at Raven’s words. Their time together was going to be brief. This could only mean Raven didn’t feel there was much to say. It was like another slap. She needed to get used to that. She stood from the couch, dropped her jacket over the arm and watched Anya collect her keys.

The click of the front door at Anya’s departure felt like all the pressure of leaving a short voice mail after the beep. Abby had too much to say, too much to contain between the right now and the time the recording would end. Raven folded her arms across her chest and waited.

Abby began one hundred sentences in her head. She ran through lines laced with apology, with questions she didn’t deserve answers to, and couldn’t settle on one which felt appropriate.

“How are you?” As soon as the question was uttered, Abby regretted it. Raven’s eyes told her she already knew the answer.

“You took a train for hours to ask me how I am?” Raven’s brow furrowed and Abby could hear the way she swallowed at the sarcasm which was coating her tongue. She hadn’t seen Raven hostile in years.

“I thought we left on good terms last week.”

“We did, Abby. My terms.” She said.

Touché. Abby nodded her head.

“I don’t feel like sorry means anything between us anymore.” Abby knew she’d used the word a thousand different ways, twisting it, forcing it out through gritted teeth, whispering it through tears, but apologies were all she had left to give. “But I’m sorry I came here unannounced, I’m sorry to be asking anything of you again when you don’t owe me a thing, but when I found out you’d called off the wedding I just had to know-” Raven was shaking her head before Abby had even finished. “-I had to know if it was because of me.”

Raven inhaled then, and Abby could almost see her counting to ten, biting her tongue. For all the ways Abby thought she could read people, for all of her intuition, and for all she’d once known of Raven, Abby didn’t know how this would go. She couldn’t tell whether she was the cause of the anger which permeated the space, and she didn’t want to find out.

“I left because of _me_ , Abby.” It was matter-of-fact. It was spat out. Raven’s lips curled around the words, and even when she’d left her, Abby had never seen Raven quite like this.

Abby felt the echoes of her conversation with Roan, where leaving was the thing which had to be done, the right thing even though it felt inherently wrong, and she could go gently now, but Raven was already past the point of no return, and her need to know outweighed everything else.

“But because you still feel something for me?”

“Feel something?” She was exploding now, hands thrown in the air and eyes ablaze. “I feel fucking _everything_. Is that what you want to hear?” And Abby knew Anya had gone for a drive now because if she were standing on the porch, ear to the door, she would have barged back in with Raven’s voice cracking the way it did. “I spent so long wishing you’d change your mind, pleading with the universe to make you come back, and then finding out I still had you, that you could be mine again if I wanted you, it felt a lot like losing everything all over again.”

It was a fuck you with a footnote admission of her feelings and Abby shook her head. She pressed her eyes closed, crossed her arms over her chest, and wracked her brain for words, any words which would be adequate. None of the scenarios she imagined for months looked anything like this. Abby was completely unprepared.

“I don’t deserve anything from you, I know that, but if there is a chance, Raven, even just the smallest chance we could try again, I need to know.” Abby swallowed the lump which caused the words to reverberate in the back of her throat, which saw their delivery become as weak as she felt in that moment.

Raven scoffed. “What do you want from me, Abby?” She threw her hands in the air again at the question. “Do you want me to start trying to listen to this old thing?” Raven slammed the palm of her hand against her chest, the sound making Abby wince, a dull thud in her ears as she noticed Raven’s eyes fill with tears. “This broken fucking thing? The thing _you_ broke? I ruined _everything_ with Gina because this didn’t work, because _this_ wouldn’t let me be who she needed me to be. It doesn’t just _heal_ because you’re sorry, because you’re back now and you want _everything_ from me. You know that, don’t you? No matter what I’ve done in these past three years, Abby, I can’t seem to stop myself from loving you, but I also can’t make myself trust you. I don’t know how to do that again.”

Abby pressed her left hand over her mouth to muffle the sob which leapt from her throat. She strained against the tears which had nothing left to hold them back and pulled deep breaths in through her nose as she watched tears surging down Raven’s cheeks.

“I always imagined-” Raven smiled, shook her head, pain still written like poetry across her face “-I’d be the type of person that would settle, you know? Like it’s in my blood, Abby. But then I grew up and decided I deserved so much more than that, I worked for everything at that point and decided that if I kept working maybe I could have the best. Before I met you I knew you were the best at what you do, I had no idea you’d also be the best looking woman in any room and I never imagined that the way you’d call to talk to me at 1am when we’d been out until midnight just to say one more thing, I never imagined that would be the best too, Abby. And you know what else, I didn’t settle after you either. Gina, she’s the type of woman everyone deserves. Everyone besides me, it seems. She’s smart and beautiful and she makes a coffee cup and a chair made of old milk crates feel like home, you know?”

Abby nodded. She wiped the tears off her cheeks with both hands and took a deep breath because, yes, she knew that as well as Raven did.

“And I’m mad. I’m mad as hell, Abby, because she’s sitting in our house right now assuming she wasn’t good enough. And that’s not your fault, Abby, that’s on me. Because as much as I love her, as much as she made me feel safe and as much as you jumped ship, you’re in here.” She pushed her chest this time, pressed her fingers against her heart hard enough to bruise the skin beneath them and Abby didn’t think she could still fall apart when she was already in pieces, but the tears came again, burning lines down her cheeks and dripping from her chin onto the floor. “You’re still everything, and right now I resent that, okay? I don’t know how to be all right with inviting you back in. I can’t do it, Abby. Not yet.”

Raven pulled the hood of her sweater up around her face and let the tears soak into the fabric for a long moment before swiping them away.

“That’s every last word I have in me, Abby. I know they’re not what you wanted, but they’re all I’ve got.” She said. She pushed her hands into her pockets and waited.

Abby picked up her bag and slung it across her body before draping her jacket over the top of it. She was surprised when her brain allowed her feet to take the first step toward the door and each one after that came a little easier. She’d still said nothing when her hand reached the doorknob and she turned and shrugged her shoulders, offering Raven the best smile she could manage through her sadness.

“Being with you was the best thing I’ve ever been part of. I should have just said _yes_ that day, Raven. We could have avoided all of this. We could have avoided all the pain I caused everyone.” Abby opened the door on her last word and stepped back out into the night without looking back.

 

* * *

 

The walk to Clarke and Lexa’s hadn’t taken as long as she’d expected, but her feet were sore and her shoulder ached from the weight of what she'd carried for a last minute overnight. She tried Clarke’s phone first, but it rang out, and she sat down on the cement stairs at the front of their building and waited to see if Lexa would pick up.

“Abby? Is everything okay?”

Breathing out a sigh of relief, Abby cleared her throat before responding. “I’m downstairs. I need a few minutes to catch my breath, but is it okay to stay on your couch tonight?”

“You’re here?” Abby heard the muffled tones of Lexa and Clarke speaking. “Abby, Clarke’s coming down, of course you can stay, you can always stay. I’ll talk to you in a few minutes, okay?”

“Thank you, beautiful girl.”

Abby slipped her phone back into her bag and folded her body down against her knees. She wrapped her arms around them, trying to hold every part of herself together. It was colder than she’d realized when she’d left Anya’s. Removing her bag, she reached for her jacket and zipped it all the way to her chin rubbing her hands up and down her jeans, hoping the friction would distract her while it warmed her skin.

She barely registered the door opening behind her, but felt Clarke drape herself around her, like the blanket at her own shoulders. The material reached places Clarke couldn’t as her arms wrapped around Abby. She was grateful when Clarke’s embrace remained silent. Abby’s mind had been a bomb ticking for months with questions Raven couldn’t answer. Not yet. If Raven was going to make any decisions about them, they needed to be the right ones and for all the right reasons. Abby understood that. Thoughts of Ontari and Gina danced on the periphery. The weight of Clarke against her back was everything else.

Abby knew Raven needed time. A few hours, days, or weeks against a backdrop of forever was nothing. If Raven was considering it, if it was even a possibility, Abby would give her all the time in the world to allow her mind some space to catch up with her heart. A distant and unspoken  _maybe_ would need to be enough for now.

Clarke pulled the blanket tighter around them, moved her feet a little closer to Abby’s legs and breathed deeply. With their heads resting against one another’s, she could feel Clarke’s jaw drop every now and then, as if she wanted to say something but couldn’t find the words. Maybe Clarke didn’t feel it was her place to fill the silence. Abby knew that feeling well.

As they sat, Abby smiled at the thought that her heart was closer to Clarke’s than it had been in a long time. She turned her head slightly, enough to see the corner of her daughter’s mouth lift in a smile. It magnified in her eyes as Abby whispered  _thank you_. This was a date they would share forever. This was a date for which they would both share the very same memory, and Abby was grateful.

The only thing she felt more fully was her exhaustion, and it was all she could do not to cry again. Clarke was the very best parts of her and Jake. Right there, that was all she needed. Abby tried not to want anything more than what held her in that moment. She took in the trees, the wind cool but barely trying as it moved the leaves before them. She breathed in Clarke’s perfume, faded though it was at the end of the day, much like she had smelled it lingering on Aden’s clothes after he and Clarke had sat wrapped in each other for stretches of time. She closed her eyes and trusted that Clarke would hold her, keep her steady, and when Clarke spoke her first word into the cool night air, Abby couldn’t help but let out a sigh. Everything which had overwhelmed her skittered off into the night.

There was something in knowing that she had this, even if nothing else was a certainty. It made her feel as though she was starting out again. Clarke only had to whisper. It was all that was needed to break their silence again, and it gave Abby a promise. It gave her the type of forever she could believe in. Clarke’s voice cracked and Abby suspected there were tears trying to fight their way out, and she’d never been more grateful for a single word. _Always_.

 


	6. O Brooklyn! Brooklyn!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, a big thank you goes to my beta KJ. Always appreciate your input :)
> 
> This it the final chapter. Chapter 7 will be an epilogue of sorts and a little shorter than recent chapters.

The first of the emails from Raven came one month after Abby was to have moved back to Boston. It came a month after she was supposed to have been living a few blocks away from Clarke, Lexa, and Aden, and working for Jaha again. With Raven.

It came four and a half months after Ontari had left, six weeks after Jackson’s accident, and a month after Gina had moved to Chicago alone. Abby could count the time in moments of Raven, in thoughts, encounters, and decisions. Not doing so, was intentional.

No sooner had she closed the door to her New York office and Abby was opening it again, placing a box of essentials on the desk which should have been Jackson’s. Taking up her old role in his absence meant she was working two jobs. While her days were spent doing what she’d done for the best part of three years, she spent her evenings answering emails and making calls to colleagues in Boston. Jaha called or messaged each day to keep her up to speed with their latest project, one she would have been overseeing had her move not been set back by three months.

Each night Abby allowed herself a glass of wine, one to relax rather than four to forget. She spent the time between work, between doing what must be done, reading through old letters. Some of the letters which filled a box labelled in thick black marker had been in her family for years. It was Aden's kindergarten scrawl which greeted her most often. Letters addressed to Nanna Ab, rather than Abigail Griffin causing her to grin until her face hurt, a contrast to the dull ache which had resided in her chest for so long.

There were letters her grandmother had received from a friend who moved overseas, the two corresponding in handwriting for twenty years after that. There were letters from Jake, and letters she wrote to him, notes Clarke wrote her as a child, her handwriting the opposite to Aden’s in every way. There were letters from Raven.

The first of the emails came as a surprise.

**_To:_** _Abigail Griffin_  
**From:** Raven Reyes  
**Date:** 7 August 9:48 _PM_ __  
**Subject:** Simulation test date 

_Hi Abby,_

_Thelonius mentioned he’d phoned to discuss the simulation. He’s got his wires crossed (again). It’ll be taking place on the 15 th and we can hook you up with video so you can be a part of it (we need you to be, because this will be the first big project when you’re back home), but the stats on this have no bearing on the Japan project. That’s a separate team and we don’t need surgical for that one yet, it’s all mechanics. The new CNC machine is a blast, though, just wait until you see what I have Monty doing with that. _

_So we mainly need your expertise regarding the implant. It’s not a procedure you haven’t performed before, but because we’re trialling a different set of materials we’d like to pick your brain. I know you’re busy in New York, but it’d be awesome to have you on board on the sim day and will also save some repetition for the rest of the crew when you’re back. Let me or Jaha know about the 15 th, ASAP. I hope your friend Jackson is doing as well as can be expected._

_Raven_

Abby wanted to print the email and circle the words ‘home’ and ‘hope’. She wanted to pin it to the wall for the next eight weeks. They were the two things getting her through.

 

* * *

 

Peeling off her gloves, Abby threw them in the trash bag as she removed her scrub cap, tucking it into her pocket. She braved a glance at the gallery and saw Jackson sitting stone faced as he had been for the entire surgery. This had been his patient. Even before the ink had dried on his new contract, Jackson had been going to take the lead on the surgery, and had been working with the patient for some time. Abby hadn’t been at all surprised when she entered the operating room and her technician had offered up a salute to the lone spectator.

When Abby received a call to say Jackson was in the hospital the week after her confrontation with Raven, the week before she was due to move, she laughed into the phone and waited for the point.

"I'm sure he is, what can I help you with, Mary?"

"No, Abby, there's been an accident. Jackson is _in_ the hospital." 

Abby apologised to Jackson’s mother countless times in the four days before Jackson woke up, and apologised again in the four days it took before Jackson was able to recall details of the attack which had been just out of range of the hospital’s security cameras.

Taking the stairs two at a time she paused before entering the gallery. Four weeks. It wasn’t enough to see his broken bones healed. It wasn’t enough to see the light behind his eyes which faded at the time of the attack. Sliding the door to the viewing platform, Abby knocked against the frame, seeking permission to enter the space which was his for the time being.

“Ash?” Abby ventured. The man looked up and allowed a smile to crease his cheeks. It was the first she’d seen since the accident. She felt it in her chest and she felt it stinging at the corners of her eyes. “Mind if I join you?”

Jackson shook his head and tapped the hand which was free of the sling against the plastic seat in the front row beside him.

“I love watching you work Abby. I’m not going to pretend like that wasn’t hard to watch, but I do love to watch you work.”

She smiled, turning to face him, one ankle tucked under the opposite knee as her arm came up to rest on the seat back.

“I’m sorry the scheduling didn’t work in your favour. I’m sorry for all of this.” She gestured around the room as if it somehow represented the limbo they were in, both of them marking time, neither of them where they needed to be.

Ash shook his head. There was something like pain behind his smile, disappointment at the very least, and also a touch of acceptance.

“I’m sorry that you’re stuck here when you want to be back with your family.” The guilt he wore wasn’t his to bare and Abby wouldn’t stand for it.

“I’d do anything to have prevented the events of that night for you, but you don’t need to worry about my being here. It’s actually been good for me. I didn’t know I’d need this time after I last spoke with Raven, but I did. Don’t you worry about me, just worry about getting yourself ready for work in the next month or so.” Abby rested her hand on Jackson’s shoulder, her elbow propped on the chair back behind them. His skin was a shade too pale. There was still something missing as she looked at him and Abby wanted to believe that work would bring him back. She had to have hope.

 

* * *

  
The second of the emails came a week later. It came the afternoon of the 15th, after Abby had seen Raven in action for the first time in years, seen her in her element, tried to push down the sensation of being overwhelmed to witness that again. Their project excited her, too, and she felt herself begin a countdown the way a child might in the lead up to their birthday or Christmas. Boston, and everything it represented, had Abby counting sleeps.

**_To:_** _Abigail Griffin_  
**From:** Raven Reyes  
**Date:** 15 August 4:21 _PM_ __  
**Subject:** Nailed it 

_Hey Abby,_

_Today was amazing! I’m so glad you were able to be a part of it. Without wanting to double your workload, would it be okay to send you through the specs and get you take a look? If you have too much on I understand. I’m not sure if you’re essentially doing your entire role down there or just covering Jackson’s surgeries, so please only do it if you’re able. I’ve had Indra & Nyko go over it too. If they’re on board, perhaps you’d be able to meet with them on our behalf?_

_Essentially anything you can be involved with on this will actually halve your workload when you get back home, so let us know what you can manage and I can set up some meetings._

_I’d have phoned but I’m on a conference call with Tanaka. This makes it look like I’m taking notes._ _It was great to hear you so enthusiastic today, Jaha looked like a kid at Xmas to have you back._

_Raven_

Abby scrolled back through her reply to Raven’s last email until she reached the first one in the thread. Scanning through it, her eyes fell on the very same word she had used in the most recent one. _Home_. Abby wrestled with it for a few moments, allowed it to settle inside her, tried to just hold onto it, and it alone, without letting herself fall into the spiral of what ifs and possibilities and maybes.

Abby reached for her glass of wine and took a sip before pushing her lap top from her knees and reaching for her box of letters. She needed something tangible. Something she could hold. She wanted to trace the indents left behind someone’s sentiments. She wanted to feel.

The bunch tied together with black ribbon which were stacked to the side, next to the varying sized envelopes from Aden, were all from Raven. She picked them up, allowed her fingers to play with ribbon and considered separating them. She could re-read each of them one by one, but she didn’t need to do that to herself. She didn’t need to do that to Raven.

Raven was trying. She was doing what she had said she would, and more than what was required. That there had been two emails meant the world to Abby, it eased the tension in the back of her mind at the thought of walking back inside the building they’d shared. It was where they’d met. It was where they’d flirted and Abby had agreed to coffee, had agreed to dinner, had agreed to a lot of different things. It was where Abby knew she had fallen in love with the whip-smart doctor who kept them all on their toes. It was where Abby was unable to step a foot inside when everything fell apart.

If she thought about it, Raven’s emails may have been more about clearing a path for her than a request for her to be on board. None of it was Raven’s responsibility, but Abby knew her, knew how much the lack of a solution would gnaw at her, knew how much their work meant to her and that Raven would do anything to avoid something personal from interfering with the professional. It was enough.

Abby finished her glass of wine as she finished the first thought about Raven that she’d allowed to spiral since their confrontation. Dropping the stack of letters back into the box, she pushed it away, grabbed her laptop again, and opened up Netflix. Anything to stop her indulging. Anything to stop her mind from making connections which were not helpful, whether they existed or not.

 

* * *

 

Jackson returned to work four weeks later. Light duties. Heavy supervision. He was told about the former, but Abby was in charge of overseeing the latter also. His days were to consist of short shifts, daytime, assisting in surgery for periods not exceeding thirty minutes at a time and mandatory physical therapy and counselling. Abby insisted on attending two of his physical therapy sessions in his first week. If she was aware of the therapy focus and the extent of his progress and clear on his range of motion she would be better equipped at putting together a schedule of increased activity over following month.

Four more weeks was how many Abby had allowed herself when discussing her return with the director. Twelve weeks for Jackson’s physical recovery, re orientation, monitoring, return to full duties, continued monitoring, and a hand over with Abby.

Four more weeks saw the date of November 4th with a grey dot beneath it in her calendar, the note attached reading _Last day?_

Four more weeks and Clarke would be arriving to help her seal the boxes which had been packed for months and placing everything which remained of her Brooklyn apartment into a truck.

Four more weeks and ‘home’ was a word with more certainty, a word whose edges had been smoothed by emails and conference calls which spoke of promises of something, even if it wasn’t what Abby had hoped for when she saw Raven in the supermarket aisle back in April.

Abby had existed like a shadow in her own life before Jackson’s accident. Something about it caused a shift in her which she hadn’t been able to create for herself. Tragedy, to some degree, was inevitable, unavoidable. Abby knew this. She worked every day to avert tragedy for so many people. She put her hands inside their bodies and held pieces of them together and gathered all of her years of knowledge and experience, asked every last piece of it to join her in the room as she sent a silent promise out into the universe to make the world better for a few people.

Abby had known the type of tragedy which is too close for hope to exist. Abby had doused hope in despair and set it alight, turning her head so as not to see it explode. Seeing Jackson, the man who’d helped her heal others for three years, who’d watched her try to heal herself, helpless and needing hope, had turned Abby’s life on its head. Her singular focus to get Raven back had broadened to become a mission to get herself back.

Jackson’s accident was the jolt she’d needed to push back her shoulders and prove something to herself, to prove that she was more than the broken heart she’d been carrying around for years.

 

* * *

 

 

The first phone call came at the end of Jackson’s second full week. He was days away from taking his rightful place in Abby’s old office and the circled date on Abby’s calendar no longer required a question mark. In a little over a week, she’d be home.

Abby was in the middle of replying to a group email to Jaha’s team, her team soon enough, when her phone buzzed against the mattress. She accepted the call before taking any notice of the display and registering it was Raven.

She was about to talk to Raven for the first time since Anya’s living room, for the first time since her voice had been raised fighting back tears. The conference calls and video links had seen little interaction between them thus far. Nothing one to one. Nothing personal. Abby needed to take a breath. Bringing the phone to her ear she opted for clearing her throat instead.

“Raven?”

“Hey, Abby. How’s things?”

“Things are good. Really good, actually. I’m dialling it back at work and Jackson’s taking on more than I expected. He’s doing really well. How are you?”

“I’m awesome. Now this probably could have waited until you got back home but I’m ridiculously excited and I want to respond to Tanaka as soon as possible. That doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to think about it, you can take as long as you need but I thought I’d ask anyway and if it’s not something you’re into-”

“Raven.” Abby laughed. “Just spit it out.”

“Tanaka wants surgical on board for December. They’re further along than they expected and he wants us to head the first trial. Well, me and the best surgeon I’m comfortable working with. What do you think?”

Abby smiled. She was relieved Raven had decided on a phone call rather than FaceTime. The look on Raven’s face, the one she could hear affecting her intonation, the smile which was taking up her whole face, would have made it impossible for Abby to respond.

“Have you mentioned my name to him? Does he remember me?”

Raven scoffed. “Abby, your name is on _every_ thing we do. Every paper which provides the rationale for every project we’ve taken on in the past god-knows-how-long, has you all over it. _Every_ one in our field knows who you are. Did you think you could go hide at UArc for a couple of years and people’d forget what you’ve done? Yes, he remembers you.”

“Okay, so what about Jaha? I’ll be back home for just over a month and then going to Japan for, what, close to three weeks?”

“It could end up being closer to five now, we’d be playing that by ear because adding surgical means heavy follow up. We’ll be monitoring the patients ourselves and both of us’ll be working with the prosthesis recovery team as well as neurology.” Raven paused. “We’d also probably have to head back over for the three month follow up. It’s something I stipulated when we were planning this initially and I figure you’d be keen to be directly involved too.”

“Wow. This is all really unexpected and-”

“Hey, it’s fine if you don’t want to leave so soon after returning, and I’m super conscious that it’ll mean missing Christmas and New Years with people back home. Lorelai Tsing came on board a few months after you headed to New York. She’d be good, but this isn’t her baby, you know? This is everything we worked for from day one and I just-”

“Raven.” Abby interrupted, laughing again at Raven’s inability to allow anyone else to get a word in when she had something on her mind. “I’m in.”

“What?”

“If it’s okay with Jaha and the rest of the team back home, I’ll do it.”

Raven inhaled and an ache surfaced in Abby’s chest at the thought of the bone crushing hug which wouldn’t come.

“I’m so fucking glad I called you, Abs. I’m going to go email Tanaka right now, okay?”

“Okay, it was nice talking to you.” Abby cringed, hoping Raven perceived her words as innocent. They were.

“You too, Abs. I guess I’ll see you pretty soon.”

Abby held the phone to her ear for a moment after the call ended. Japan. While it had been a pipedream several years ago, Abby hadn’t thought much about the possibility of a collaboration with Tanaka’s team until Raven mentioned it when they caught up a few months prior. She wasn’t surprised Raven had managed to get it off the ground.

The disappointment at missing Christmas with Clarke, Lexa and Aden was overshadowed by the enormity of the opportunity, and Abby knew that if Jaha approved her involvement, it also meant she was re-entering her old position with the same level trust and respect she’d spent years earning. Before and during Raven. Abby cursed herself for allowing the woman to have become a measure of time, but in the back of her mind she knew she was counting the sleeps until Raven.

 

* * *

 

Clarke caught the train down on Friday morning and went to pick up the truck they’d be driving back to Boston with everything Abby could fit into boxes. It was lunch time when she arrived at Abby’s apartment and dinner time before they’d cleaned every room, checking and rechecking every available inch of space for anything Abby may have left behind.

As Abby phoned for Chinese, she noticed Clarke rummaging in her backpack and producing an envelope. Back to her mother, Clarke smoothed it between her hands, placed it back inside the backpack, and retrieved it again before handing it to Abby. Placing her phone on the counter, Abby took the envelope. Her name was scrawled in familiar handwriting across the front.

“Raven asked me to give this to you.” Clarke ran her fingers through her hair, concern etched across her forehead as she took a seat on a box of books and waited for Abby to read it. Abby didn’t know whether Clarke was aware of the contents, whether there was something inside to be worried about. Gina crossed Abby’s mind as she slipped her finger under the seal and tore the paper. What if they’d decided to try again? What if Raven was going to move to Chicago and work their projects from there? Abby took a breath, exhaling as she pulled the folded letter from the envelope. _What if_ s had never served her well.

 

_Nov. 1 st, 2016_

_Dear Abby,_

_I don’t know why it feels more appropriate to begin an email with “Hi” and a letter with “Dear”, but here we are._

_In four days you’ll be back home. I know what Boston and your beautiful family and your job means to you. I know all this like I know what it took for me to get to college and what it means that a crippled kid from the back ass of nowhere is off to Japan in December to meet with Professor Daisuke Tanaka himself. I know it because it’s who we are, and the two of us wear our love and dedication on our sleeves._

_I’m writing because I want you to know that I will do everything I can to ensure your transition back at work is a smooth one. And you know I’m not talking about the work. I know it will take some adjusting for us to be on the same team again, in the same room again, and I will do everything I can to make sure that the uncertainty of the personal between us doesn’t get in the way of the professional. We were always pretty great at drawing that line. Nobody who didn’t know us well would have ever suspected we were an ‘item’_ _J_ _._

_We’re all looking forward to having you back, Abby. I’m looking forward to having you back. It’s where you belong._

_Clarke said she’d be happy to pass this along to you for me, but I also want to make sure that she and Lexa don’t feel like they’re stuck between two places with us. You know I love them and have been so grateful to be able to keep them all in my life in some form over the past three years, but you being back will be their priority for some time and I don’t wish to interfere with that at all._

_Clarke and I have also talked about her encouraging you to be honest with me and that she feels guilty for somehow making things worse. She didn’t at all. I told her we both know you need little encouragement when it comes to making enormous decisions. She could have told you to walk away and keep your feelings to yourself and I’m inclined to believe the speech you offered up on my porch that day may have been the very same, regardless._

_I’ve decided we aren’t something I can fix, Abby. Since I drove you to the airport that day I’ve been wracking my brain and trying to come up with something which would make this right for everyone, something which could erase the past three years or take us back to a time without doubts and fears. It’s taken me some time to be able to reason with the logic on that. So I can’t ‘fix’ us, and neither can you, but we can make a go at being excellent colleagues and figuring our way into the friendship which never really had a chance because I was so quick to ask you out._

_Good luck with all your packing. Give me a call, maybe, just to say hi. Let’s kick this friendship off old school style, you know I prefer real life to text communications any day. Let’s leave the tech for work._

_Make sure Clarke knows none of this is on her. Have a safe trip, Abs. I’ll see you soon._

_Raven_

 

“Mom?” Clarke’s hand was on Abby’s shoulder as she placed the letter down beside her and put her head in her hands.

For the first time in a long time Abby didn’t feel like she was being pulled to extremes. Raven’s letter had her feeling something like balance, and with less guilt pressing down against her shoulders than she’d felt in years.

She handed Clarke the letter.

“Read it. It’s fine. Everything’s fine. This is relief, I think.” Abby smiled. Her cheeks were heavy, but her heart felt light and she stood to wipe the tears from her face while Clarke sat and read.

As she did, Abby looked out her window, looked to the bridge which had been a fixture of her views for the best part of two years, and which had the ability to anchor her to the space she was in each time she was filled with doubts, and each time she was filled with regret. It had taken a week when she realised New York would be her home for three more months before she could acknowledge that she’d been counting down the footsteps on the pavements by her apartment and near the hospital, listening for the sound of them to fade away, to cease to even be a memory. She had been wishing her time away for so long, and it was in that week that she decided to start living again.

Despite everything, there had always been a vibrance which surrounded the time she’d spent with Ontari. Their nights out with friends, the shows, the bars, the spontaneity of living in a city where plans could be arranged in a split second and there was always a cab to take you there. Perhaps it was the space around Ontari that she’d fallen in love with. The thought left a bitter taste in her mouth, and Abby pressed her palm to the window pane and measured her hand against the bridge.

A snort of laughter and a sigh signalled Clarke reaching the end of the note.

“She’s something else, Mom. I don’t know how she sees the entire world like a possibility, but it’s like something opens up when she’s around. She and Lexa are alike that way. Like the shit they had to deal with made them stand a little taller, you know? Like the rest of us will always be trying to keep up with them in the way they see what could be.” Clarke shook her head. “I don’t really know how to explain it.”

“I get it. I do. And you read what she said, right? You know that absolutely none of that’s on you. Gina was moving regardless, she had a job to go to, so you and Lexa can still maintain your friendship with her as you would have if none of this had happened?”

“Yeah. I know. Lexa was chatting to her last night, actually. She has family there at least and a few friends from before she moved to Boston. It would’ve been Raven who was a little out of place there anyway, I think.” Clarke smiled and Abby felt it heal her like the hug on Clarke’s porch several months before.

“Do you mind if I call her?”

“Raven? Of course not. Why don’t I go down and get some beer? I presume you have wine in the fridge?”

“You presume correctly. I suppose I’ll have to start buying beer if I expect you to come over to my place when I’m home?” Abby teased.

“You probably should, I have no real motivation to visit otherwise.” Clarke stuck her tongue between her teeth as she smiled at Abby who managed a backhand slap across Clarke’s shoulder as she stood to make her way to the door. “I’m not giving you long though. I’m not giving you enough time to get all soppy and ruin that friendship before you start it, okay?”

Abby rolled her eyes, but knew Clarke was right. Short and to the point was all that was necessary. Clarke offered up another smile as she left the apartment and Abby allowed the silence to settle around her for a moment before retrieving her phone from the counter and settling herself on a box marked ‘Appliances’.

“Hey Abby, how are you?”

“I’m good.” Abby paused and wrestled with wiping the smile from her face at the sound of Raven’s voice. “Clarke came today. She gave me your letter. Thank you.”

“Oh hey, yeah, that’s…I just want everything to work, you know?”

“I do, and I appreciate your words. We don’t need to get into this all over again, but you’re not responsible for any of this, and I really appreciate the effort you’re going to, to make this all work. I just wanted to let you know that my professionalism won’t be an issue at all. I did have a laugh at you using the word ‘item’. I’m not sure where that ever came from to be honest.” Abby rolled her eyes at herself and felt heat in her cheeks as she had that night at the bar with Nyko.

Raven laughed. “Yeah, I thought you’d get a giggle out of that.”

“We have food arriving soon and Clarke’s just stepped out to go get beer, but I just wanted to call and say thank you. Your patience throughout the past few months with me throwing spanners in the works at every turn, its-” Abby cleared her throat, “-its more than I deserved. You’re a good person, Raven.”

“So are you, Abs. I think that’s what’s made things hard, to be honest. Three years ago and now. You’re an exceptionally hard person to dislike. I’m just not going to fight that anymore.” Raven breathed out a laugh and Abby could hear her smiling through the phone.

“Okay, well, I just want you to know that these past three months being stuck here have actually been really good. I would never have known how much I actually needed this. And, Raven?” Abby paused, wanting to ensure that Raven was really listening, that she heard each of the next words she needed to say.

“Yeah?”

“I’m not looking to fall back into my old life when I come home, okay? I just need you to know that, too. I’m looking forward to building something new and I want you to be a part of that. I’m looking forward to being your friend.” Abby swallowed the lump at the base of her throat and was surprised at how unexpected the tears felt stinging the corners of her eyes as they had while she was reading Raven’s letter.

“Me too, Abby. This is where you belong.” The words were almost whispered, Raven’s voice suddenly quiet. “It just makes sense that you’re coming back.”

Abby pressed the palm of her hand to her chest where something was stirring just below the surface. It was nothing she could give a name to, nothing she could afford to acknowledge, but she held herself together like that for a long moment before responding.

“It does. Everything I care about is there.” She wouldn’t push it, but she needed Raven to hear those words. She needed to keep being honest for both of them.

“I’ll let you go before your delivery arrives, Abs. Thanks for calling. It’s nice to be able to talk like this.”

“It is. Thanks again for the letter. It means a lot.”

“I’m glad. Bye, Abs. I’ll talk to you soon.”

Abby was still holding the phone at her side when she heard a muffled conversation at the door. The knock sounded less like the rap of knuckles and more like the toe of a shoe kicking at the door and Abby opened it to reveal both Clarke and the red haired teenager who was delivering their dinner. Paying the kid, Abby relieved Clarke of the plastic bags of food and the two settled down on their makeshift dining setting which consisted of boxes of various heights.

The two talked over mouthfuls of fried rice and sweet and sour pork, Abby giving in and joining Clarke for a beer as her heart played tricks on her convincing her that, in the moment, she was happy for the first time in a long time. Maybe she was.

Abby retrieved another pillow from one of the boxes stacked near the front door and threw it at Clarke who was arranging herself on the left side of the mattress on the living room floor which had been Abby’s make shift bed for the past three months.

“Uh, no you don’t, young lady, the left is mine. Scoot.” Abby nudged Clarke with her foot and Clarke flopped to the other side of the mattress with a huff as Abby slid under the covers occupying the side she’s slept on since she’s had a bed big enough with space to choose.

“But this is Lexa’s side. This feel weird. Even when Aden’s in the bed with us he’s always in the middle or way over here,” she gestured to the far right hand side of the bed she was clinging to as if Abby wouldn’t allow her more room, “nobody is ever situated more to the left than me.” Abby knew the pout and whining was all for her benefit, but she also knew there was a little bit of truth to the matter. Clarke’s stubborn nature knew no bounds.

“Your dad slept on the right, Raven slept on the right, Ontari slept on the right,” Clarke shuddered at the mention of Ontari’s name and stared at the mattress beneath her with an exaggerated look of fear in her eyes, “Clarke stop it.” Abby flipped her hand at her daughter, collecting her shoulder which caused more false dramatics from Clarke who resembled a soccer player trying for a free kick in the World Cup.

“Okay, fine, you’re old and stuck in your left ways.” Clarke settled down onto the right side of the bed and pulled the covers to her chin. “How does it feel that this is your last night in New York?”

“Honestly, I thought it would be all relief, but it feels a little strange. It wasn’t all bad here, in some ways it was like a vacation from a life I knew I couldn’t have, if that make sense.” Abby sunk into the mattress, mirroring Clarke’s position, covers to her chin, one hand under the pillow below her head.

“It doesn’t really have to. It feels how it feels, you know?”

“You sound like Lexa.” Abby’s laugh was gruff, the end of the day catching up with her and taking all softness away from her voice.

“That’s not such a bad thing.” Clarke’s brow furrowed.

“It isn’t at all. I adore her. You know that. I will be eternally grateful to the universe for ensuring the two of you found each other.”

“You’ll have that too, Mom. You just need to give the universe time to get it’s shit together.” Abby smiled at her daughter. She could feel her eyes growing heavier and, reaching out her hand she placed it over Clarke’s as she gave in to the heaviness in her body and her mind.

As sleep overtook her, Abby couldn’t help but wonder if Raven was the universe Clarke was speaking of. She sure as hell felt like all the stars in the sky when Abby closed her eyes.

 

* * *

 

Clarke ducked out of the apartment before Abby had woken up. Pulling on gym pants and a t-shirt, Abby made coffee for the two of them before cleaning the coffee machine and putting it inside the last empty box in the living room.

Abby heard Clarke talking to someone in the hallway. Her voice was animated in a way Clarke couldn’t muster early in the morning and Abby grinned as she opened the door. Juggling two brown paper bags and a tray of coffee, Clarke’s phone was cradled between her ear and her shoulder.

“Yep, sure. Okay, sounds good. Yeah, absolutely. You’re crazy. Gotta go.”

Abby moved to grab the phone, but Clarke turned away from her and held out the food for Abby to take instead. With only a tray of coffee in one hand, she let her phone drop into her other one and pocketed it before placing the drinks on the counter.

“You made coffee?” Clarke sounded dejected.

“I did, but we could both probably use more than one. We have to head over to Roan’s first to grab the dining table and desk he was selling. He’s heading out a 10am so we need to get there before then.” Abby sipped at the coffee she’d made knowing the cup Clarke had bought from Starbucks would be too hot.

“And then we have to seal all these and squeeze them in around all the big stuff.” Clarke gestured around the room at boxes of varying sizes, talking to herself as she took a bite of her bagel.

“Correct.” Abby leaned on the counter and threw a wink at her daughter. This was going to be a good day.

 

* * *

 

Abby didn’t notice the car when she took the first set of boxes down to the truck. Clarke had instructed her to set them on the sidewalk claiming to be an expert and insisting she pack the boxes. Abby wasn’t inclined to argue.

Thankful for the elevator in her apartment building, Abby used the trolley which had been hanging inside the door of the truck when they’d opened it up at Roan’s. Moving three boxes at a time, Abby left them by the truck for Clarke who was relishing in the opportunity to arrange them like a jigsaw puzzle around the few larger furniture items Abby hadn’t sold.

She didn’t notice the car when she and Clarke carried the mattress between them. Abby’s steps were cautious as the mattress blocked her ability to see where she was going. Clarke walked backward with her head turned calling directions to Abby as though it were an elaborate trust exercise.

“Wait! A cyclist!” Clarke’s shout coincided with the ringing of a bicycle bell and Abby nearly tripped over her own feet when she jumped at the sound. Somebody near them laughed and Abby wasn’t sure if she was blushing or if her face was warm from so many trips in and out of the building.

She was grateful it was the early November rather than early August when she was originally supposed to have moved. Twenty degrees was the difference between working up a sweat _while_ carrying boxes and working up a sweat before she’d even begun.

She still hadn’t noticed the car when the Clarke helped her with the final box and Abby turned around to head back into the building to grab her keys and bag only to find Clarke following her into the elevator.  

“What are you doing? We can’t just leave it there.” Abby pressed the ground floor button but the elevator had already begun its ascent.

“Don’t worry about it, we’ll be two minutes.” The smug smile on Clarke’s face seemed out of place. Abby had noticed it more than once over the course of the morning but put it down to excitement that she would be living close to them again soon. Maybe that was it.

As Abby stepped out the front door of her apartment for the final time, the first thing she noticed was that the final box was no longer on the curb where she’d left it. The doors to the truck had been closed and Abby raced over to open them, cursing Clarke.

“I told you we shouldn’t have left it here, what if-” Abby opened the left door panel only to see the final box in the very center of the truck, surrounded by boxes and furniture which had been packed like an elaborate game of Tetris. “Oh. Sorry. It’s fine, but how…?” She turned to look at Clarke and that’s when she noticed the familiar car parked behind the truck. The origami bird hanging from the rear view mirror caused her to eyebrows to knit together as she glanced between it and Clarke, speechless.

Clarke closed the door, locking them both in place, and raised her eyebrows at Abby’s confusion. Rounding the truck, Abby couldn’t stop the grin which spread across her face at the sight of Raven leaning against the side, arms folded, and with the same smug expression Clarke had been sporting for most of the day.

Pushing off from the side of the truck, Raven threw a set of car keys at Clarke.

“You two planned this?” Abby’s brow was furrowed in amazement now as the two stood before her with their arms folded in some kind of gesture of solidarity.

“Well it didn’t happen by accident, Abs.” Raven stuck her tongue between her teeth and Clarke laughed, pointing at Abby’s raised eyebrows.

“I guess I’ll see you guys back there?” Clarke wrapped her arms around Abby’s neck. “I love you. Chill out though, this is just a small step, okay?”

Abby nodded against Clarke’s shoulder and clamped her teeth together to stop the tears which were scratching at the backs of her eyes and making themselves known. “I love you too, thank you. For everything.”

Clarke held her for a moment longer, her grip tightening at her mother’s words. Turning, she pulled Raven in for a hug and told her to drive safe.

Abby and Raven stood on the sidewalk and watched as Clarke started Raven’s car, revving the engine a few times to get a reaction. Raven pointed her finger at Clarke, a mock warning in her glare which Abby was sure held an ounce of seriousness, before Clarke pulled away from the curb and began her journey home.

Holding the passenger door open for Abby, Raven gestured for her to hop in and smiled at her before closing the door. Raven climbed into the driver’s seat and flashed Abby another smile before starting the vehicle and revving the engine herself, her eyebrows bouncing up and down as she did so.

“Don’t get me wrong. I’m _very_ happy to see you, but what are you doing here?” Abby spoke through a smile and tried to ignore the thoughts which were circling like vultures on the periphery of her happiness.

“Isn’t it obvious?” Raven grabbed a pair of shades from where they’d been hanging on the V of her t-shirt and slipped them on. “I’ve come to take you home.”


	7. Epilogue: Backyard

Abby felt it like a tremor inside her chest at first. The agony of anticipation had begun the moment Raven leaned over her as she sat in her chair to offer her another drink. Raven had placed her hands over Abby’s where they rested on the arms of the wooden chair in Anya’s backyard, and as she moved to walk up to the back porch of the house she allowed her fingers to linger against Abby’s skin.

It was only a moment. It wasn’t the first they’d shared in recent weeks, but it was the first in which Raven acknowledged her intent, locking eyes with Abby and grinning before she walked away. Abby knew that look. That look had been the one which started all this trouble nine years ago. Exactly.

Raven returned with a beer and remained beside Abby’s chair long after the sound of glass on glass and a whispered _cheers_ had filtered into the air around them. Abby smoothed her thumb against the wooden armrest, resisting, resisting, resisting the need to pull Raven down, wrapping her arms around the woman as she landed in Abby’s lap. Perhaps Raven was waiting for an invitation. The seat beside Abby, the one Raven had occupied for the first hour of the evening, was empty, but still she stood.

Abby felt it in her stomach then. The excitement that this night could mirror the one they’d shared so many years before. Pulling her gaze from Raven, she looked across the yard to where Clarke sat with Lexa pressed against her side playing a card game one-handed with Aden while she sipped her drink.

Octavia sat on the back steps, her bull terrier’s head on her lap as he burrowed under her arm which, Abby noted, was now inked from shoulder to wrist. She smiled. Every person in the yard had some addition to their skin, something which told a story, something they cared enough about to color themselves in. Each of them would depart the world looking as different as they had become over each of the years they’d lived.

Abby’s hand went to her shoulder. The tank top she wore covered some of the ink which had adorned her skin for the best part of seven years. She'd spent much of the past four averting her gaze from it when she looked in the mirror. She'd refused to talk about it with people who'd ask. _Why the words? Why the bird?_  

“Another?”

Raven was perched on the arm of the chair beside Abby’s now, watching her watch everyone. Abby hadn’t even realised she’d finished her drink, the empty bottle a lighter weight in her hand.

“I’m okay for now. I’m going to have to pace myself tonight.” She smiled at Raven, eyes asking questions as she did so.

“Is that so?” Raven’s bashful half-smile was destructive and Abby felt hope in her fingertips then. She felt it seep into every crack and crevice of her body, every inch of space where sorrow and regret had set down roots so long ago. Abby could feel her world changing.

The noises of the night turned up their volume as Raven walked back inside the house, two empty bottles in hand. The fire crackled casting portions of itself into the air around them, sending up flares, and Abby watched as everyone around her fitted together in a way which made her heart ache with happiness. Everything she loved was right there in front of her, Clarke and Aden both just enough of Jake between them to bring him back for the evening, too.

When Raven returned, she carried two glasses of water and handed one to Abby before pulling the chair beside her even closer and taking a seat.

“Don’t tell me Anya ran out of beer.” Abby smirked over the top of her glass and Raven rolled her eyes.

“Yeah, Rae, what’s wrong? You couldn’t find the bucket? It’s that giant thing full of ice and alcohol right by the backdoor.” Anya’s chiding drew the attention of everyone in the yard and Raven sunk down in her seat, nose scrunched, and Abby laughed, head thrown back before sharing a wink with Anya.

“You brought this on yourself.” Abby turned her head meeting Raven’s eyes. She was aware of the tone her voice had taken. It could have been five beers instead of just one settling itself in her bloodstream. She was drunk on something, that much was clear.

“I guess I did.” Raven smiled. “No point trying to shift the blame.” She held Abby’s gaze through the ending of one song and the beginning of another. She leaned in closer and placed a hand on Abby’s arm. “What do you think the yard talk would be if we took these to the front porch?” She lifted her glass, eyebrows raising at the same time, but it was the hope masking fear in her eyes which sent Abby’s heart into overdrive.

Abby scanned the yard again. Besides Aden and Clarke, each person before them had been present the first time they had escaped the very same yard to find a quiet space. Each of them had witnessed their beginning, and the thought that they might be witnesses to another one, one which wasn’t quite new, one which was something else entirely, caused an ache in Abby’s chest. She didn’t want to be wrong about Raven’s intentions.

“To be honest,” Abby took a breath, preparing herself for Raven’s reaction, “-I think they’re probably all expecting it.” Raven smoothed her thumb backward and forward across Abby’s arm as she held it, each movement slower but more purposeful than the last.

“What do you think they’re expecting?” Raven bit down on her bottom lip as her words escaped on a shallow breath. Abby could see the rise and fall of her chest. She could see the fear dissipating in her eyes as hope took over.

Abby inched closer to speak into Raven’s ear, her words barely above a whisper. “I think they’re expecting us to take this elsewhere.”

* * *

Without the warmth from the fire, Abby felt a chill settle in her bones as she sat on the top step at the front of Anya’s house. Raven sat beside her and reached for her hand where it rested between them. Abby was afraid to move at first, she was afraid to breathe because the gap on the last four years of her life, the gap which had seen weeks and month and years pass without Raven, was finally closing.

Backward and forward, Raven’s thumb traced Abby’s knuckles. Neither said a word, but Abby was sure Raven was also thinking about their first kiss nine years before, not eight steps from where they were seated.

“The biggest thing for me is trust.” Abby cleared her throat as she tried to fit words into sentences, grabbing hold of them as they shifted in her mind, desperate to place them into the right order to make Raven understand. “I know it’s asking a lot after such a short time, but-”

“Abby, I know it’s only been a few months since I drove you home from New York, but it’s been over a year since you came back into my life and longer since you were something I couldn’t help but think of.”

Abby turned her hand over beneath Raven’s and heard the woman sigh as their fingers fitted together. Shifting closer, Raven lifted their hands and kissed Abby’s fingers before bringing them down to rest in her lap. Despite the heat of the evening, Abby’s skin prickled where her arm touched Raven’s, every part of her wanting to be closer.

Turning her head, Abby placed a kiss on Raven’s shoulder and when Raven turned her head, looking at Abby’s lips as they left her skin, Abby was sure Raven was about to kiss her.

“Abby, we can’t go back to exactly what we had before-”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-”

“No.” Raven shook her head and placed a finger to Abby’s lips. “Just listen.”

_The noise from people fixing drinks inside and glass bottles tapping together as people sat around the pit fire out the back, filtered through the air and were carried away on the breeze._

“We’ve spent portions of the past year getting to know each other again. Japan was like this Sliding Doors universe for me. It was like watching what my life could be like if we started something again. The looks over dinners, the walks in the freezing cold where we could see our breath on the air and we kept our hands in our pockets because we needed to keep them warm, and we didn’t know what the other was thinking. It was like watching a movie version of my own life play out, a Choose Your Own Adventure in this crazy place where those weeks played out parallel to my real life of work and meetings.

It felt like there was twice as much in each of my days because you were there with me. And being back home, spending time together with the people we love these past few months, nights like tonight with Octavia smirking at you when she thought I wasn’t looking, and Anya challenging us to thumb wars and arm wrestles and the hundred other things she’s tried recently to put us in situations where we have to touch each other-”

_Abby heard nothing besides the sound of her heart beating in her ears as it kept time, kept time, kept time with Raven’s whispered words. If Abby hadn’t known better she would have thought Raven had planned that speech, but when the woman before her pulled in portions of their evening, spoke verses about the way Abby’s hand had felt in hers as they sat among her friends, Abby was in awe._

“-being in the same spaces with you, surrounded by so much that’s beautiful and familiar, learning each other again, it’s felt a whole lot like falling in love for the first time.”

Raven was out of breath by the time the last words hit Abby.

“You mean the way it felt eight years ago?” Abby swallowed against the emotion rising in her throat.

“No, I mean I feel like a teenager, Abs. It’s like I’ve never felt this way about someone before, only I have and that someone was also you. Another you. I’m in love with you and while those words aren’t new this feeling is and I-”

Abby had had enough of listening. She’d had enough of watching Raven’s lips wrap themselves around words which were preventing her from kissing them. Placing a finger to Raven’s lips, she shushed her. Abby ran her hand along Raven’s jaw and pulled Raven toward her as she leaned in and pressed their lips together.

Their lives were different now. It was the 9PM fireworks which were the cause for celebration, the ones Aden would be awake for, and Raven laughed against Abby’s lips before pulling away as the first hint of light and sound burst through the night.

“I need to see his face, Abs. Come on.” Raven grabbed Abby’s hand and walked her back out to Anya’s yard where everyone they loved had their heads tilted toward the sky. Aden’s face split into the grin they saw so often, his features streaked with moving colour as he stared in awe into the evening. Nobody noticed the two at first, walking to stand either side of Clarke as she held the boy on her shoulders, his hands wrapped across her forehead.

_The explosions in the sky resounded inside Abby’s chest, her blood surging through her body like the colours did into the night. In truth, the echoes which reverberated around the sky, had nothing on the feelings inside her chest_ . _She reached out her hand to Raven instead, linked their fingers behind Clarke’s back in something which resembled a promise, and Raven smiled like she would hold Abby to it, like she’d heard the promise the way you hear a breeze - only because it rustles the leaves of the trees around you._

“Well, goodness, finally.” Lexa had turned to put an arm around Clarke as the final colours disappeared from the sky and the only sounds were of people cheering in the distance, and music, and laughter, and celebration. Lexa was the first to notice the two who had inched closer together and now stood with their arms around each other, a scene for which everyone in the yard was now their audience.

Abby turned into Raven, suddenly shy under the eyes of their family, and laughed, tears stinging at her eyes. Finally was right. As everyone moved back to seats or busied themselves to give the couple a moment despite their position in the middle of the yard, Abby felt Raven tracing her fingers over the tattoo across her collarbone.

“I didn’t believe when you called me that day to say you’d actually gone through with this.” Raven shook her head, a smirk playing on her lips as her fingers toyed with the strap of Abby’s tank top, darting under the fabric to continue ghosting her fingers over the ink.

“When you said it to me, I told you I wanted those words tattooed on my skin. I knew what it meant for you to say them. I knew what you couldn’t bring yourself to say just yet.”

Their family had moved inside at some point after the fireworks had ended. Raven looked around the yard and raised her eyebrows as Abby followed her gaze, the two discovering they were completely alone. Abby reached both hands around Raven’s waist and pulled their bodies close as Raven wrapped her arms around Abby’s shoulders.

“Sometimes I’m terrified of my beating heart,” Abby whispered, “-of its constant hunger for whatever it is it wants.” She took a breath as the tears she’d been holding onto trailed down her cheeks. “The way it stops and starts.”

“I love you, too.” Raven could taste the salt as she leaned in to kiss Abby. She could feel each year they’d spent apart folding back on itself, a concertina of mistakes and regrets disappearing beneath each other until all that was left was the years they’d had together before, and their new beginning.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big thanks once again to KJ and Shelby who, between them, have edited everything I've written for The l00 so far :)
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> Each chapter title comes from a line in Diane Di Prima's poem "Backyard".


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